The game: Patriots at Bengals The beer: Sacred Profane Smoked Dark Lager The result: Win, 26–20 The record: 10–2 The headline: “I’m gonna keep on doin’ what I’m doin’ till I can’t do what I’m doin’ no more.” – Isley Brothers, “Keep on Doin’” The commentary: You can only play the teams on your schedule […]
The game: Jets at Patriots The beer: Boothbay Ken Brown Ale The result: Win, 27–14 The record: 9–2 The headline: “You’re like the ocean! Always in motion!” – Lyres, “Stormy” The commentary: It’s a funny thing to root for the Chiefs—especially so when the wished-for outcome might spell your doom two months early. Chiefs vs. […]
The game: Patriots at Buccaneers The beer: Riverwalk Pumpkin Porter The result: Win, 28–23 The record: 8–2 The headline: “Oooh, it’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good, it’s sooo goood.” – Donna Summer, “I Feel Love” The commentary: If Tony Romo is down to fuck then who am I to […]
The game: Falcons at Patriots The beer: Nonesuch River Irish Red Ale The result: Win, 24–23 The record: 7–2 The headline: “Automatic, systematic.” – Digable Planets, “The Art of Easing” The commentary: Listen. The Patriots are not going to win the Super Bowl. They’re not going to get by the Bills in the postseason, the […]
The game: Browns at Patriots The beer: Fat Orange Cat Pumpkin Spice Latte Oatmeal Stout The result: Win, 32–13 The record: 6–2 The headline: “I see your number, it’s a flashing sign.” – Ty Segall, “Who Are You” The commentary: New England football is back and so too is Idiot Patriots Fandom, the kind where […]
The game: Patriots at Titans The beer: Liars Bench Pair of Pennies Czech Amber Lager The result: Win, 31–13 The record: 5–2 The headline: “Treason! Treason! The spectre looms again!” – Rainbow, “Kill the King” The commentary: “Kill the king,” you ask? I’m just riffing on my old Nashville Kings bit and celebrating G’s embrace […]
The game: Patriots at Saints The beer: Tree House Patient Rover Munich-Style Dunkel Lager The result: Win, 25–19 The record: 4–2 The headline: “I turn and get by the other way around.” – The Jesus Lizard, “Pop Song” The commentary: Congratulations, friends, on another four-win season! Football is fun again and it only took six […]
At Bills: “When was the first time you really felt like a grown-up (if ever)?” The game: Patriots at Bills The beer: Corner Point Down the Hatch Amber Ale The result: Win, 23–20 The record: 3–2 The headline: “It tickle me down to my toe-oes!” – The Velvet Underground, “White Light/White Heat” The commentary: I’m […]
The game: Panthers at Patriots The beer: Von Trapp Schwarz Schwarzbier The result: Win, 42–13 The record: 2–2 The headline: “I’m gonna make them pay.” – Dead Meadow, “The Queen of All Returns” The commentary: On the subject of jobs, I think Marcus Jones’s as punt returner is pretty secure—put him in drag to make […]
We absolutely need him: “List three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter” The game: Steelers at Patriots The beer: Exhibit ‘A’ Briefcase Porter The result: Loss, 21–14 The record: 1–2 The headline: “Expose a jewel.” – Edan, “Fumbling Over Words That Rhyme” The commentary: Vrabel on Stevenson’s costly fumbles, benching: Still “need him.” […]
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