The game: Patriots at Buccaneers
The beer: Bear Republic Racer X Double India Pale Ale
The result: Win, 19–14; Eagles win, 34–7
The commentary: Too soon? But that’s my ET stuffie since Christmas 1982!

This fucking defense still blows but what are you gonna do? Trade Malcolm Butler for a tight end? No thanks. An off day for the offense forces Nick Folk to lose the defense to win this one. Win. Any way you can get one.

Just ask the twenty—twenty!—people whose Steelers got thumped by the Jaguars on Sunday in the ultimate stay-away game. Eleven of these motherfuckers are now eliminated, along with three who staked their survival on the Giants—I get it, they’re going to win eventually, but shouldn’t you witness it before guessing? This marks three straight weeks of an upset wiping out a collection of rash Peter King followers after fifteen casualties/one fatality for Miami and ten/three for Atlanta. We’re down to thirty-two after five weeks (smell the magic: thirty-eight) and this is progress I never anticipated, especially since twenty-four of us—though not I—have already lost once. A league full of mediocre teams and toss-up contests will do that. Who are the dominant teams? The Chiefs alone are undefeated—three remain winless, which is just as red-flaggy to me—but can they be trusted much longer? Not by me until they lose, which might happen Sunday against the confounding Steelers. Who knows. Good grief.

Gimmes are few and far between and my choice of the Texans over the Browns, sitting at a solid ninety-eight percent at NFL Pick Watch (and only because a substandard and panicked Jason LaCanfora is resorting to a string of improbable upsets to boost his rating), is likely to be a common one. Will orange (strike one) and red (strike two and you’re out) instances of HOU populate an otherwise black row on Monday? Let’s hope not, for my sake. For my spreadsheet’s sake.

Two nights ago, some dogmatic bastard with an unread blog indicated to Commissioner Rico (not to be confused with RICO, though coincidence becomes a pattern) that shenanigans were afoot. Shenanigans! Player Oren was granted an apparent third life after losing in weeks three and four but my man admitted he accidentally gave him the Chargers instead of the Cardinals two weeks ago. (I believe him because who takes the Chargers at all?) (However… who takes the Cardinals? Hmm.) Rico is learning the hard way that the CBS RICO environment cannot handle a two-strike league and so he has to manually enter picks for those of us—though not I—with one loss, work he hoped to avoid by offloading data management to the inter-net. Drag. Errors are inevitable and I am watching everyone like a hawk. (The easy solution? I should run this myself. The complication? It’s a legal minefield I want no part of.) Take one of the Jeffs: CBS recorded a skipped week four (equating a loss) but Rico took the blame, claiming Seattle was the emailed pick that was never entered. Fair enough—eighteen others took them as well (Colts blowout) so skepticism wanes, since eliminations are in Rico’s interest given hist last-leg urgency (thanks again, Dolphins!). I’m also keeping an eye on Kim and one of the Matts, for they each have several empty cells after losing for the first time in weeks three and two, respectively. Stay dead, you. These four are marked with asterisks and the fury will manifest should one of them win the pot. Enabled macros never forget.

Up next: Sure, go ahead and schedule that birthday party during a Pats game for the second year in a row. Cheers!