Week thirteen
The game: Patriots at Chargers
The beer: Springdale Brig Mocha Stout
The result: Win, 45–0

Week fourteen
The game: Patriots at Rams
The beer: Maine Post-Ride Snack India Pale Ale
The result: Loss, 24–3

The commentary: You see, last week—pre-Rams—was the time to discuss the Chargers game. “Forty-five to zero, you say? As in: President Forty-Five, now Plain Zero?” Don’t touch that dial! That’s what I meant about the importance of writing more regularly.

Instead, a (short) week’s delay resulted in the Rams—retconned Super Bowl LIII champions—sleepwalking to a twenty-one-point victory that could easily have bloated to, I don’t know, a Biden-esque forty-six if they didn’t resort to keep-away for the second half. In a season of nadirs—NAY-ders? nuh-DEERS?—this was the unwatchable nadir-est, even though I did finish the game because I’m an actual fan. If there’s one silver lining to this Patriots season, or to 2020 in general, it’s that bandwagon frauds who never experienced late-Grogan/pre-Bledsoe malaise and had it easy during the Brady years (there, I said it) will melt away faster than the foot of snow from Thursday’s Nor’easter. The rest of us will ignore the three-percent chance of making the playoffs, fail to proclaim that they did average twenty-four points over the last two games, stew in earned cynicism and look ahead to April’s draft when King Bill will trade down from fifteen and still manage to overvalue a slow, injury-prone Florida linebacker. Goddammit.

“However, the special has not been officially released.” Special? Yes! If 2020 was the year of introducing despecialized original Star Wars films and the sequel trilogy (though not yet the prequels) to my daughter then you know we were going to watch The Star Wars Holiday Special on YouTube. It was to be my first time seeing it as well, aside from the “notable” Boba Fett interlude, and I figured we would at least be entertained despite its reputation. So how was it? It’s one of those, uh… it’s a real… it’s– it’s kind of hard to explain… it’s a, uh… wow… if you know what I mean. What say you, Wikipedia? And what say I?

Plot
On Life Day, Chewbacca, accompanied by Han Solo, is headed home to see his family. Along the way, the duo is chased by two Star Destroyers, but they escape into hyperspace.

Holy cow, but the difference in quality—and aspect ratio—between late-seventies cinema and television special effects is astounding. Multi-generational video cassettes and YouTube downsampling do the special no favors but wow. Han and Chewie look like they’re sitting aboard a Greyhound restroom. “That’s it, I’m turning back!” Too late, Harrison Ford. You have decades of bitter check-cashing ahead of you.

Meanwhile, on Kashyyyk, Chewbacca’s family is preparing for his return. Hoping to find the Millennium Falcon, his wife, Malla, runs a computer scan for starships in the area but is unsuccessful.

“The original AstroTurf brand product was co-invented in 1965 by James M. Faria and Robert T. Wright. It was patented in 1965 and originally sold under the name ‘ChemGrass.’” Sorry, I accidentally switched over to the AstroTurf page. Wookiees were early adopters. Anyway, we should review the Cast notes: “The names of Chewbacca’s family were later explained to have been nicknames, their full names being Mallatobuck (Malla)…”

Malla contacts Luke Skywalker, who, along with R2-D2, is working on his X-wing fighter. Luke tells her that he does not know what happened.

Thanks for nothing, Luke! I think Mark Hamill took a break from auditioning for every decidedly-not-science-fiction role to shoot this scene.

Malla contacts Saun Dann, a local trader. He tells her through a carefully worded message…

“You might say she did it by… han[d]! Solo!” I see Saun attended annunciation school with Lando Calrissian, rhyming “Han” with “van” instead of “con” like the rest of the galaxy. Art Carney’s portrayal of Saun is nothing short of heroic and he carries this motherfucker—the only thing less convincing than, well, the show itself is that Carney would be so intimidated by the shortest, slightest, most overtly voice-overed figure in the entire Empire. Carney’s chest hair? Come on. Back to it.

…that Han and Chewbacca are on their way and should be arriving soon. Malla then attempts (unsuccessfully) to prepare a meal, the instructions of which are being aired via a local cooking show by an eccentric…

Spoiler alert!

…four-armed alien cook, Chef Gormaanda (Harvey Korman).

Here, G. first voiced doubt about how we were spending out time: “This is weird.” She hasn’t yet discovered the absurd brilliance of Korman on The Carol Burnett Show so mildly subversive slapstick, whether or not the scene is funny (this one kind of is), may be out of reach for now. Still, I don’t know how the demonic ringleader from the earlier Dejarik-board acrobat ensemble and, more so, the interminable stretches of roaring Wookiee-speak didn’t prompt discussion of “Just what are we doing?” Don’t get comfortable, kid. There’s plenty more Korman to come.

Saun arrives with Life Day gifts for everyone, including a virtual reality fantasy program (featuring Diahann Carroll) for Itchy.

Cast (continued): “…Attichitcuk (Itchy)…”

Back on the Falcon–

Hold up. We’re not letting the “virtual reality fantasy program” off so easily. “And I do mean happy Life Day!” What the fuck, Saun! I sweated the entire sequence until G. let us (me) off the hook by asking “Can we skip this?” Yes. Yes we can. To be continued under Music.

Back on the Falcon, Chewbacca and Han have just come out of hyperspace not far from Kashyyyk. Han notices an increased Imperial presence, so they decide to land in an unguarded area to the north.

No mention of the call to Princess Leia (bra sold separately) and C-3PO? Fine. C-3PO might get a bad rap but he is a bit of a prick. Anyway, I like the implied ease of “[noticing] an increased Imperial presence” and “[deciding] to land in an unguarded area.” So much for the Empire’s ability to enforce martial law and maintain a blockade—no wonder the Death Stars were soft targets.

As they enter the atmosphere, Lumpy hears the roaring of the ship.

Cast (concluded): “…and Lumpawarrump or Lumpawaroo (Lumpy).” How did the basement-dwelling, passive-voice-favoring Wikipedia Content Specialist go so long without Lumpy? And I demand to know which full name is canon.

Believing Han and Chewie might be arriving, Malla opens the door, but instead finds stormtroopers and officers. The Imperials force their way into the house.

Pardon me but these guys are pussies. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?” Indeed. Wilhuff Tarkin weeps.

An officer orders a search for Chewbacca. As they search, Saun and the others attempt to distract them with food and Malla’s music video box (which features a video by Jefferson Starship).

“Sorry about those who got the green. We got a whole lot of orange. And it was fine.” Can I bum some of that? I’ll even dose my daughter, just give it time to kick in.

When the music finishes, the head officer orders the search to continue. The head officer tells Malla to keep Lumpy busy while they search his room, so Lumpy (and the viewing audience) uses a viewscreen to watch a cartoon of his father’s many adventures.

We arrive at the “highlight” of the special, the Ace Frehley of the four Kiss solo albums from two months earlier, the token Kind of Blue to the single-jazz-album-owner. That’s not to say its an actual highlight—can a man choose from among the stars shit of the sky sewer?—but it is the portion most people have seen who haven’t seen the whole thing. Is Ace Frehley the best Kiss album? No. Is Kind of Blue the best Miles Davis album? No. Is Lumpy’s on-demand story-within-a-story deserving of its “cult classic” status? I don’t know, I prefer the later scene with Dromboid the Amorphiian. Onward.

During a search for a talisman, the Millennium Falcon crashes on the water moon of Panna with the main characters onboard.

Actually it’s with Han and Chewie onboard. Immediately after them, Luke, R2-D2 and C-3PO crash in a Y-wing fighter while Leia stays behind with Oz’s gatekeeper. “This is madness!”

They run into–

Also, a “mystical talisman”? Seeding the audience to accept midichlorians twenty years later.

They run into Boba Fett, who saves Luke from a giant monster and claims to want to help the Rebels. They all board the Falcon, where Han has been infected by a mysterious sleeping virus caused by the talisman. Luke then contracts the virus as well. Fett and Chewie go into Panna City to get the cure.

Chewie rides bitch and that doesn’t sit right. Har! Har!

Once they get into the Imperial-occupied city, Fett instructs Chewie to stay behind so he can contact Darth Vader.

Narrator: “Although Boba Fett quickly located the serum for the sleeping virus, we had no idea of his real plan.” Lumpy freaks the fuck out—he understands this isn’t a live broadcast, right?

On the Falcon, as C-3PO is caring for Han and Luke, R2-D2 intercepts the transmission between Vader and Fett.

This is stupid. If a weathered Dengar sold everyone out instead of the strikingly rocket-boosted Boba Fett then the cartoon would be forgotten like Gormaanda’s bantha surprise. Anyway, Fett sneaks off to an AVM (Automated Vader Machine) to betray our heroes and remind us that future Jedi superstar Luke Skywalker was awfully quick to trust a masked “friend” who mistreats hungry dragons.

Evading the Imperials, Fett and Chewie return to the Falcon with the cure. After everyone recovers from the virus, they learn of Fett’s true allegiances.

C-3PO spills everything to Luke, Han and Chewie with Fett in the goddamn room. It’s a wonder the… “protocol” droid, right?… has high-level clearance to attend security meetings in the future—Death Star 2.0’s vulnerability in Return of the Jedi, Luke’s location in The Force Awakens, etc. I suggest a new strategy.

He blasts away using his jetpack, promising they will meet again.

Who gives a shit? R2-D2 figured out his AVM PIN on the first try.

The heroes head back to the Rebel base aboard the Falcon.

The end. Boring! A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Space-Netflix also spread itself a little thin. Unfortunately for Lumpy, too much screentime equals bad parenting and Malla’s neglect gave the Imperials enough cover to trash his bedroom—the part when the Empire’s second-shortest, second-slightest officer decapitates the stuffed bantha is hard to watch and Lumpy’s discovery is even worse. “Having locked the doors of the cinema, Marcel ignites a huge pile of flammable nitrate film behind the screen as Shosanna’s image laughs and the theater goes up in flames.” Whoops! Wrong page again.

Lumpy works to create a translation device that will fool the Imperials into returning to their base by faking their commander’s voice. To do so, he first must watch the manual for the device, being presented by a malfunctioning, incompetent robot (also played by Korman).

“Beautiful, aren’t they? Like a rainbow.” It’s such an easy gag, manipulating the tape to enhance Dromboid’s glitches, and it works better than it should in 2020. (The Amorphiian isn’t named in the special but, according to Wookieepedia (!), “the name is used throughout the Holiday Special’s fourth-draft script.” Korman is a genuine tour de force—har! har!—and if G. makes me watch with her again next Christmas I’ll wake up for this and this alone.

While the Imperials are searching downstairs, the living room viewscreen activates, announcing that Tatooine is being put under curfew by the Empire because of “subversive forces.” The video–

The goddamn thirteen-minute video!

The video is announced as required viewing for all Imperial forces and much of it features Ackmena (Bea Arthur) running the Mos Eisley cantina. Ackmena is approached by an admirer: Krelman, an amorous alien, who has misunderstood something she said to him recently. Ackmena announces last call, and upon being ignored, sings a farewell song.

Bruce Vilanch puts Peter Jackson’s false endings to shame and packs everything—everything—into Ackmena’s cantina space-saver (har! har!). Remember Snaggletooth from the movie? And Myo? Look out, Labria has a gun! Arthur does as well as anyone could—even Korman as Krelman isn’t great here—but this is filler most foul that I refuse to sit through again. At least give us a one-armed Walrus Man.

Speaking of false endings, during G’s first time through Star Wars she declared during Luke’s climactic trench run that “If he blows up then this isn’t a good movie.” But the sequel potential! I still like my edit of The Rise of Skywalker that ends after our heroes are swallowed by Pasaana quicksand: “BB-8, no!” “Rey! Rey! Rey, I never told you– Rey–” “What?? Finn!” [End-credit fanfare.] “DIRECTED BY J.J. ABRAMS.”

Lumpy uses this opportunity to put his plan into motion, faking a repeated call for the Imperials to “return to base.” They leave, but one stormtrooper stays behind and realizes that they were tricked. He finds Lumpy and destroys the machine, then chases Lumpy outside.

Drum roll…

Han and Chewbacca arrive. Chewie protects Lumpy as Han kills the stormtrooper.

Nope! The stormtrooper remembered he’s a stormtrooper, allowed himself to be disarmed, tripped over a log and his own blaster and then busted through the railing like a black-hat extra, plummeting to his death at the bottom of a matte painting. Bravo.

After they are reunited, an Imperial officer appears on the viewscreen, giving a general alert for the missing stormtrooper. Saun quickly responds that the trooper stole supplies and deserted.

“OK. Carry on.”

The danger averted, the family prepares to go to the festival at the great Tree of Life. They hold glowing orbs and appear in space wearing red robes. Wookiees walk into a bright star and arrive at the Tree of Life, where many are gathered, including C-3PO and R2-D2. Luke, Leia and Han also appear.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Leia gives a short speech and sings a song in celebration.

I once read that Fisher only agreed to appear in the special if she got to sing. I don’t know that an actor in her position could make such demands—Ford clearly participated against his will—but, from what we learned about her self-aware perspective toward Hollywood bullshit, I choose to believe it.

Chewie remembers his adventures during the events of the original film.

When he, you know, demonstrated bad-ass strength and courage in the face of hardship. The special offers him little in the way of Wookiee machismo.

Finally, the Wookiee family sits around a table and bow their heads.

Fin. Life Day is a solemn, dignified affair and I can’t imagine the narrative and its denouement satisfied many viewers, sponsors or executives.

The special is notorious for its extremely negative reception and has never been rebroadcast nor officially released on home video.

No shit. Public response offers genuine entertainment and ages much better, as demonstrated to perfection by my man Mark Hamill: “That [Trump–Biden] debate was the worst thing I’ve ever seen and I was in The Star Wars Holiday Special.” At least there was…

Music
The Star Wars Holiday Special features four songs: “This Minute Now” is sung by Diahann Carroll. Carroll—who is supposed to be an image created by a virtual reality machine—tells Itchy that she is his “fantasy” and suggestively invites him to “experience” her.

“Oh… oh! We are excited, aren’t we?” Nope! “Well, just relax, just relax.” Easy for you to say. I feel like I’m watching pornography with my daughter. “Now we can have a good time… can’t we?” Absolutely not! I refuse! We refuse, remember? And how can you find this funny? “I’ll tell you a secret.” Only if I can damage Itchy’s rewind button first. “I find you adorable.” Well duh. “I’ll tell you a secret. I find you adorable.” Umm… “I find you adorable.” Hand it over, Itchy! “I find you adorable.” Goddammit! “I don’t need to ask how you find me.” Unclean! She is peak Diahann Carroll and mine is an admirable willpower to avoid Itchy’s natural conclusion. Let’s never speak of this again.

“Light the Sky on Fire,” performed by Jefferson Starship, is presented as a 3D music video watched by one of the Imperial guards. During production the song was given the working title “Cigar-Shaped Object (Vanished Without a Trace).” The clip marked Marty Balin’s final appearance with Jefferson Starship, as he had left the band in October 1978, a month before the special was broadcast.

“Everybody’s vibrating!” I always preferred Marty Balin (and the non-Starship Jorma Kaukonen) to the overexposed Grace Slick (of “Shut up, Grace!” fame) and Paul Kantner in Jefferson Airplane. Balin was the guy who actually got knocked out by the Angels at Altamont, sticking up for someone else, while Slick and Kantner hid behind their mic stands and pretended to play it cool while Bill Fritsch told them the score. So, yeah, Balin as the 3D frontman doesn’t come off too well (Kanter is in there too, as anonymous as ever) because it’s a lousy song and a dated performance with a humiliating prop microphone in the middle of a kitschy shit storm. But what a way to go out.

One more thing: I really dig the bitchin guitar solo by the Ultimate Warrior-looking dude. If Dromboid gets the gold then give the silver to Craig Chaquico. Bronze to the invisible horn section.

Bea Arthur (as Ackmena, proprietress of the Mos Eisley cantina) sings “Good Night, but Not Goodbye” set to the “Cantina Band” theme. Some of the same aliens seen in the cantina in Star Wars reappear, including the band Figrin D’an & the Modal Nodes as back-up musicians.

Enough. You’re bringing down the curve for the whole galaxy.

Finally, at the end of the special, Carrie Fisher (Princess Leia) sings a song in celebration of Life Day to the tune of the Star Wars main theme by John Williams.

You don’t say! Well, it is that time of year. Once again, Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk Will Not Be Presented This Evening.

1. Carrie Fisher (as Princess Leia) – A Day to Celebrate
Does Fisher have a good voice? I think she has a pretty good voice! You try singing along to John Williams. And what’s not to like about the message? Go read Postcards From the Edge.

2. The Reverend HH Harrington – Christmas in Heaven
From No Other Love: Midwest Gospel, 1965–1978. I’ll always reserve space for melodies, harmonies and lo-fi recording dynamics that make me cry. “Deeply, sincerely moving.” You’re goddamn right. Buy the guitarist a beer.

3. Kurtis Blow – Christmas Rappin’
“The Hip Hop Nutcracker is a contemporary dance spectacle set to Tchaikovsky’s timeless music. A unique and joyful event, this evening-length production is performed by a supercharged cast of a dozen all-star dancers, a DJ, a violinist and MC Kurtis Blow.” Kurtis Blow! (Performing “The Breaks” instead of “Christmas Rappin’”? Huh?) And, hey, G. is learning the violin! This was an awesome (streaming) performance and a reminder to support the arts however you can—Thee Ohsees have been monetizing for months.

4. Allusionettes – Don’t Wait for Me Beneath the Mistletoe
“There’s nothing I’d like more than throwing wide the door so you could run into my arms. But there’d be too much danger to ourselves and strangers so I must resist your charms.” Happy holidays to The Allusionist’s Helen Zaltzman, the second-funniest podcaster in the world behind Alchemy This’s Vanessa Ragland.

5. Tony, Caro & John – All on the First Day
Hot title track action! “The first day of the year,” a.k.a. “New Year’s Day,” a.k.a. “This qualifies as holiday music.” Tony, Caro(line) and John are welcome anytime.

Up next: I guess it’s our turn to be playoff spoilers? Weird. Happy Life Day!