Week seventeen
The game: Dolphins at Patriots
The beer: Great Rhythm Long Beach Lager
The result: Win, 23–21
The method: Live via Paramount+
Week eighteen
The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Twisted Fate My Promises Are Lies Tonight India Pale Ale
The result: Loss, 35–23
The method: Live via Paramount+
The headline: “All the locals hide their tears of regret.” – Ministry, “NWO”
The commentary: There is an entire local industry of… what, failed journalists?… whose duties are to browse Twitter in search of professional criticism of your New England Patriots, preferably from sportswriters like Greg Bedard and Ben Volin, and then run March Madness-themed bracket tournaments to determine the worst “mediot.” Disclosure: I don’t like Bedard or Volin either, and for a lot of the same reasons—smug, know-it-all trolling and couch-quarterbacking—but I just choose to not read and listen to them for hours a day. It’s so goddamn easy.
The overarching theme is that anyone who questions the amazingness of the Patriots’ players, their on-field performance, their statistical output or their football-inventing head coach is not a real fan, Mike! Where does the word fan come from? Fan… fanatic! Attic! Empty attic! Think Belichick can’t win (or hasn’t won) anything since Tom Brady left town? Or dare to wonder if ex-rocketeer Matt Patricia set the franchise back years even before Belichick evidently fired him and made it OK to unload on the slob? “Have a little respect for the process.” Have a little respect for the fact that your fucking pencil prop won’t work on a laminated play sheet, dickhead. Nick Foles went apeshit on your watch, then you set up Dan Campbell for success, then your stretch of offensive coordination—pun intended!—murdered Mac Jones. Good riddance. But it was Belichick’s fault in the first place.
Anyway, these self-appointed, essentially anonymous media watchdogs—who likely signed up for Blogger around, say, 2005 as well—determined that criticizing the team is bad. But retroactively criticizing elements of the team that Belichick essentially criticizes with his actions? Totally fine, bro.
Mike Reiss is one of the “good guys” because he doesn’t make anyone feel bad about the team. “Lack of talent at the position” becomes “potential draft-day need.” “Second-round bust” becomes “reliable in the kicking game.” Etc. He does a good job and is trusted by his audience—by me—but especially by readers who dive head first into the positive-vibe echo chamber of his Twitter comment sections.
Reiss: Punter news! The Patriots have signed Corliss Waitman, formerly of the Steelers and Broncos.
Jackass No. 1: Corliss was solid in Pittsburgh. Many thought he should have won the job.
Jackass No. 2: Belichick loves the Lefty Punters!
Astute Wiseass: They’ll draft a punter in the fourth round. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
(Love the Trumpian capitalization of “Lefty Punters!” No one does dumb like the average Patriots fan and/or Republican. Also, I swear that last comment wasn’t from me.)
The day Reiss—without “in fairness” hedging—questions Belichick’s ability to pluck starting cornerbacks from undrafted free agency is the day these bozos will turn on him. Rest assured, that day will not come this week:
Kraft backs Belichick as both express optimism about 2023
Mike Reiss, ESPN Staff Writer
Optimism: believe it!
Facing the longest Super Bowl odds of his tenure as New England Patriots coach, Bill Belichick was asked Monday at the NFL’s annual league meeting what message of optimism he might share with the team’s fans. He succinctly answered: “The last twenty-five years.”
Belichick says so little that it’s easy to remember the things he does say. Like his refusal—for, I don’t know, sportsmanship—to talk about or refer to “the past,” even when “the past” is the season finale that ended thirty minutes ago. Suddenly, though, it’s OK to get fat on old cake? Twenty-five years’ worth?
It was a flex, of sorts, from Belichick, who is eighteen wins away from tying the late Don Shula on the all-time coaching wins list (including playoffs).
Last year at this time he needed twenty-six wins. This might take awhile.
Belichick enters his twenty-fourth season as Patriots coach and has won six Super Bowls and nine AFC championships over that span, while posting a 292–120 record in the regular season…
Looks like a math error on my man’s part: he’s including playoff wins here. According to ESPN (which itself erred in doubling up 2013 and throwing everything off by a row ever since—it’s not Twist of Twisted Fate but good grief, fellas), Belichick with the Patriots is actually 262–108 in the regular season. Take away Brady—counting Drew Bledsoe’s start in week two of 2001, Matt Cassel’s finish in week one of 2008 and the Jimmy Garoppolo/Jacoby Brissett suspension-spanning tag team in 2016—and he is 44–44. Nice trick!
…and a 30–12 mark in the playoffs.
That one he got right. Math remains undefeated. Sans Brady: 0–1. You can’t spell “oof” without “00.”
Including his tenure as Cleveland Browns coach from 1991 to 1995–
Who cares. It’s not good.
But the Patriots are coming off an 8–9 season and haven’t won a playoff game since defeating the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII on February 3, 2019.
Unnecessarily specific. Nice.
Furthermore, it has been three seasons since the free-agent departure of quarterback Tom Brady.
Way ahead of you, buddy.
Caesars Sportsbook has the Patriots at 70–1 to win the Super Bowl this season, the team’s longest preseason Super Bowl odds under Belichick. According to SportsOddsHistory.com…
Sounds legit.
…it’s the franchise’s longest preseason Super Bowl odds since 1993, when it was 100–1. The last time the Patriots entered a season at least 50–1 to win the Super Bowl was 2001, when they won their first title with Belichick and Brady—20–17 over the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI.
Yes but what was the date. I love the spin here. “Sure, everyone agrees this team sucks, but looky what happened the last time everyone agreed they sucked! They won the whole fuckin’ thing. Stick it up your ass!”
Patriots owner Robert Kraft…
Presumably between appointments at Handy Jay’s Consensual Massage.
…said Monday that he supports Belichick despite the team finishing below five-hundred two of the past three years.
Ultimate homer move.
“I think Bill is exceptional at what he does. I’ve given him the freedom to make the choices and do the things that need to be done,” Kraft said at the NFL’s annual meeting.
Translation: I wanted to keep Brady.
“His football intellect and knowledge is unparalleled from what I’ve seen. In the end, this is a business—you either execute and win, or you don’t. That’s where we’re at.”
Post-Brady: 25–25. Neat!
“I think we’re in a transition phase. We’ve made some moves this year that I personally am comfortable with. And I still believe in Bill.”
Kraft’s repackaging at least three stages of grief, in reverse: acceptance, bargaining and denial.
One of the most significant changes is hiring Bill O’Brien as offensive coordinator/quarterbacks coach, as he replaces Belichick’s 2022 setup that leaned most heavily on Matt Patricia as the playcaller despite his primary background in the NFL coming on defense.
Mike sort of lays the Patricia blame on Belichick—as he should—but he does it so softly that you almost breeze through the sentence. That’s why he’s popular with readers who can’t think for themselves.
The Patriots had plummeted to the bottom of the NFL in several key categories, such as red-zone and third-down efficiency, with quarterback Mac Jones dipping after a promising rookie campaign.
Another reason for this: terrible, terrible drafting. If not loaded, this team should at least have a recirculating pool of talented young players on both sides of the ball. Instead, Cole Strange (Patriots Unfiltered’s Paul Perillo: “Not only is [guard] a position that you could have gotten a very similar caliber player three or four rounds later, it prevented you from getting a player that you couldn’t get three or four rounds later”) and Tyquan Thornton are the… core??… and N’Keal Harry, Isaiah Wynn, Sony Michel, Joejuan Williams and Duke Dawson are (and should be) gonzo.
Kraft said of Patricia: “I think he got put in a difficult position and it was sort of an experiment. In retrospect, I don’t think it was the right thing. And I feel bad for him because he’s such a hard worker.”
Depression.
Kraft said O’Brien was his first choice as coordinator this year but that the decision was ultimately Belichick’s. He believes O’Brien’s arrival will “work to [Jones’s] advantage.”
Yes, but what happens when O’Brien leaves in two years for another head coaching job? Succession plan, please, and not the obfuscating “Senior Football Advisor/Offensive Line Coach” variety.
“I thought we experimented with some things last year that frankly didn’t work when it came to him,” Kraft said.
Anger. B-I-N-G-O.
“I think we made changes that I think put him in a good position to excel. I’m very positive and hopeful about this upcoming year, and I personally am a big fan of Mac.” At the same time, Kraft shared a story with reporters that rapper Meek Mill, his close friend, texted him recently to say that Baltimore Ravens quarterback Lamar Jackson wanted to be traded to New England.
“Used to be I couldn’t get enough Ty Segall—Manipulator, Emotional Mugger, gimme a break! Then he put out [Ty Segall IX] in 2017 and it was alright, but I wanted to like it more, you know? Months later, the Oh Sees unleashed Orc and suddenly they’re my favorite band.”
Kraft relayed that type of decision would fall to Belichick, who earlier in the day deflected on the topic. “I’m not going talk about players on any other team. Period,” the coach said.
I love that the word “period” is followed by a comma. Well done. I’m with Belichick on this though—there’s openness and there’s foolishness. No “competitive advantage” bullshit, just common sense. It’s the exact opposite of Richmond FC openly courting Zava and debasing those already on the team—I’m sure that will end well.
As for his own situation approaching Shula’s all-time wins mark, Belichick said: “I have great respect for the game and all that. I’m not really focused on that right now. The 2023 season is all I’m concerned about.”
You and me both! Call Lamar Jackson’s lawyer or mother or whatever. Hush-hush. But wait!
Bill Belichick clarifies remark: Pats ‘not resting on past laurels’
Mike Reiss, ESPN Staff Writer
Belichick goes on the defensive. This thing writes itself!
New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick said Wednesday that the team’s championship success in his twenty-three-year tenure isn’t part of his mindset when looking ahead to the 2023 season. “We’re not resting on our past laurels; that’s not the message to the team or the fans,” Belichick told the Boston Globe at Louisiana State’s pro day. “We have never operated that way and aren’t now.”
But…
Belichick’s remarks to the Globe came two days after he held a Q&A session with a larger group of reporters at the NFL’s annual meeting in Phoenix. Toward the end of that session, Belichick was asked what he would say to fans to give them a reason to be optimistic for what’s ahead. He responded: “The last twenty-five years.”
Pow! Gracious of him to have included two underwhelming Pete Carroll seasons.
Belichick’s reference to the past caught the attention of some of his former players, such as ESPN analyst Tedy Bruschi and longtime tight end Benjamin Watson, who noted that Belichick often stressed to them that the past doesn’t matter.
“We’re on to Cincinnati,” etc.
That might have contributed to Belichick’s follow-up with the Globe on Wednesday.
Mike lets him off the hook—“might have contributed”? Come on. Instead: “Belichick backpedaled like an all-pro cornerback that he is incapable of identifying, drafting or developing.” The rest of the article rehashes Monday’s history lesson—stop focusing on the past!—with one notable addition:
Those sub-five-hundred seasons [2020 and 2022] bookended a 10–7 campaign in 2021, which included a blowout loss to the Buffalo Bills in the wild-card round of the playoffs.
Careful, Mike. Basement-dwelling bloggo’s might seed you among Bedard and Volin with that brand of truth.
| ⚪ | 2022 | Off! – Free LSD |
On the subject of preferring the Oh Sees, the Osees and, in this case, Thee Oh Sees to Ty Segall, Floating Coffin and its creamy goodness overtook Sleeper back in December in a fit of restlessness. On the subject of preferring the Oh Sees, Thee Oh Sees and, in recent cases, the Osees to everything else… well, I changed my mind and awarded 2022 to returning champion Off! It’s my goddamn blog.
There have been other changes as well, though First Taste defended itself against Face Stabber’s appeal. I don’t know what I’m doing.
| ⚪ | 1963 | Charles Mingus – The Black Saint and the Sinner Lady |
| ⚪ | 1975 | Witch – Lazy Bones!! |
| ⚪ | 2004 | Madvillain – Madvillainy |
Fear not! The annual playlist blather checkmarks have been corrected, though I’m afraid inconsistencies elsewhere—most likely within the ten-year-old purge—are inescapable. Drag. Here’s hoping for the kind of certainty only a 2023 Osees double album can deliver!
Up next: Fire B– Hold on!
Super Bowl LVII
The game: Not the Patriots
The beer: Frost Heavy Imperial Stout
The result: Who cares
The method: Live via Fox Sports
I don’t have anything to say about the game. I just liked the beer.
Up next: Fire Belichick? Happy new year spring!
More Cream Please 