Week thirteen
The game: Bills at Patriots
The beer: Foley Brothers Long Beards Oatmeal Stout
The result: Loss, 24–10
The method: NFL+

Week fourteen
The game: Patriots at Cardinals
The beer: Wormtown Blizzard of ’78 English-Style Brown Ale
The result: Win, 27–13
The method: NFL+

Week fifteen
The game: Patriots at Raiders
The beer: Jack’s Abby Shipping Out of Boston Amber Lager
The result: Loss, 30–24
The method: NFL+

Week sixteen
The game: Bengals at Patriots
The beer: Evil Twin Before, During and After Dinner Blend Coffee Stout
The result: Loss, 22–18
The method: Live via Paramount+

The headline: “No one likes a heartache.” – Thee Oh Sees, “I Come From the Mountain”

The commentary: What day is it, sir? ’Tis Christmas day! Skip the unpleasantness, then—as the Reverend Jon Spencer proclaimed, “I got the spirit of giving!” It’s not the day to complain about offensive ineptitude, defensive frailty or coaching negligence. No one likes a heartache.

⚪

2013

Ty Segall – Sleeper Thee Oh Sees – Floating Coffin

I’m generally moving two pieces around the board when it comes to my favorite album of any recent year: Ty Segall and (hint!) John Dwyer. So it doesn’t make the headlines when, in an exercise in confirming and/or correcting past, pigeonholed decisions, one is swapped for the other. I wasn’t yet a fan of either in 2013 and therefore it’s allowed, OK? No one gives a shit. You’re not even reading this.

“I still have these Xmas Blues!” Is there time? Yes, Babe, a Double-Wide.

1. Erik Wohlgemuth – Hey, Ho, Nobody Home
Wohlgemuth’s 2008 album Snows of Yesteryear was the big addition this year as I continue to embrace musical genres at Christmastime—country, bluegrass, etc.—that I generally ignore the other eleven months of the year. “Hey! Ho! Let’s go!” Wrong genre.

2. Jacques Dutronc – La Fille du Père Noël
From the actual first self-titled Jacques Dutronc album and not his second, third, fourth, fifth or sixth self-titled Jacques Dutronc albums, which I’ve (of course) renamed Jacques Dutronc 2, Jacques Dutronc 3, Jacques Dutronc 4, Jacques Dutronc 5 and Jacques Dutronc 6 because I’m a goddamn hero.

3. Thee Swank Bastards – Carol of the Bells/God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
In which the generally boring (unless performed by Nora Dunn and Jan Hooks as the Sweeney Sisters) “Carol of the Bells” is vastly improved when repurposed as the rhythm track behind a moody, reverb-y “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen.” Comma there goes between “Merry” and “Gentlemen,” everybody—the gentlemen are directed to be merry and are not already. You’re welcome.

4. Broadcast – Winter Now
“Recording sessions for 2003’s Haha Sound took place in fragments at various locations. Trish Keenan recorded vocal tracks with her head in a cardboard box, which gave it a ‘closeness and deadness that makes it sit in the mix a bit nicer.’” I know what he wants for Christmas… but I don’t know how to wrap it!

5. Big Tyme – Xmas Blues
I love you, Bonquisha. I love you.

Up next: A lot of griping about Bill Belichick and the future of the New England Patriots. Merry Christmas!