The game: Texans at Patriots
The beer: Smuttynose Scotch Ale
The result: Win, 42–14
The commentary: I had it all figured out. Thursday, December 6 featured Smuttynose Shoals Pale Ale in my 365 Bottles of Beer for the Year calendar (it’s leap year: plus one, suckers!). When I saw it last week I said “Snap! I’ve got that in my fridge!” I was pumped. Even transcribed the full review in order to put my own naive spin on what I was drinking, so “…it has a bready, toasted biscuit aroma with a touch of hops and sulfur” was to become, like, “I’m getting full and drunk and what’s that smell?” Turns out, though, it was actually the Scotch Ale I picked up a couple of months ago. The labels aren’t even similar! Luckily it, too, was “captivating” (“yummers!”), thus avoiding the shame spiral.

Since we’re here, I’ve got four bombers left in the fridge. One or two of them date back to summertime. Do beers age well? What is bottle-conditioning, anyway? Regardless, the only thing keeping them from lasting me through the first playoff game is if the good guys earn a bye… I’ll gladly pick up a fifth bottle for that! And honestly, I like our chances of obtaining the top seed—the Texans team I saw can’t sweep both upcoming games against the Colts. I know they aren’t as bad as they looked, having won eleven games, but I think this loss is going to stick with them awhile. Texans drop one, Pats win out (possible, though it will be a challenge Sunday night), voilà! Still not buying more beer-and-football beer until necessary, of course.

G. is disappointed that she’s missing all these primetime games. It’s too bad because she would have loved Monday’s. High-fives for everyone! Look at her here. I’m not even going to Photoshop out those drool stains because her drool is the cutest. The cutest! How long before drinking a giant beer and sneaking into your daughter’s room to take pictures of her while she sleeps is considered creepy? Too late?

I guess I should write about the game. I haven’t done much of that recently. I didn’t sit very comfortably on the opening drive, with Foster’s negated first down being upstaged by his subsequent first-and-fifteen first down. Time out, Patriots, with fifty-nine minutes and fourteen seconds remaining? Uh-oh. Buy hey, I guess it was a good time out because Schaub and company went three and out after that. It was basically over right there, even if I didn’t actually say “This game’s over” until Brady scrambled for that first down at the end of the third quarter.

See you next year, Donté! That was an amazing play. I thought you were faster though? (No one seems to have any idea why he went on injured reserve. I wonder if there’s an injury settlement in his future. If he makes it to training camp in 2013 I certainly don’t expect him to survive cut-down day.) I loved the quick pace all around against a talented, aggressive defense—it pits one team’s conditioning against the other’s and I like our chances every time. JJ Watt sucking wind on the sideline? Sign me up! Hopefully Patrick Willis and Aldon Smith tucker out just as easily. Wouldn’t mind a little wintry mix action on top of that.

We had another holiday party at the InterContinental VaGina the other night, so it must be time for this season’s Christmas playlist! Good thing, because the DJ sucked reindeer balls. This one runs a little Santa-heavy, just like his sleigh. Har! Har!

Beefheart Oversight (Resolved)
1. Kay Martin & Her Body Guards – Santa’s Going to Be Late Tonight
She’s gotta have it! Kay mellows out and leaves the double entendres behind. “Lover.”

2. The Soul Saints Orchestra – Santa’s Got a Bag of Soul
“Yeah! Unh!”

3. Wild Billy Childish & the Musicians of the British Empire – Santa Claus
The preamble is even funnier here than on the Headcoatees original cover (?). That one, by the way, is purportedly included on A Damaged Christmas Gift to You but be forewarned that the track is actually 1992’s “Cum Into My Mouth,” an error so shocking that it can’t actually be an error, right? Merry Christmas! Dirty sex!

4. John Fahey – Children, Go Where I Send Thee
A friend of mine sings in a chorus. Our family tried like hell to attend one of their holiday performances last weekend and let me just say the challenges of parenthood got in the way. We missed “Children, Go Where I Send Thee” and it’s too bad because that’s one of my favorites this year. So I’m including Fahey’s barely recognizable version in my daughter’s totally-refused-to-eat-or-nap honor.

5. Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band – There Ain’t No Santa Claus on the Evenin’ Stage
I first posted a holiday mini-playlist two years ago and eulogized Captain Beefheart in the same breath. Clearly I wasn’t aware at the time that my man released a “Christmas song” on The Spotlight Kid back in ’72. In my defense I’ve been distracted by Trout Mask Replica and The Mirror Man Sessions for a solid decade and, by 2010, hadn’t yet ventured too deeply into their seventies output. This one’s for him.

Up next: It’s a tough one hosting the 49ers. Colin Kaepernick is the type of quarterback (athletic, accurate, unfamiliar) who tends to expose weakness in Belichick’s recent defenses. We’ll see. Cheers!