The beer: Stella Artois Pilsner
The headline: “She saw the MAC-10 and the bitch got the shits.” – Ice Cube, “Gangsta’s Fairytale 2”

The commentary: Is Ice Cube out here puffing his chest on a victory tour? He predicted Mac Jones would beat out Cam Newton almost thirty goddamn years ago. Newton was three years old! And Jones? And Jones! He was six years from being middle-named McCorkle. McCorkle! Tom E. Curran and the rest can sit the hell down—the overwhelming majority (including Patriots Unfiltered’s Erik Scalavino, flexing hard with April soundbites) of those covering the team opined that Jones either outplayed Newton or played exactly as well as him but with a higher ceiling. What surprised the same majority was not that Jones should be the starter but that Belichick, as stubbornly pro-Newton as I’ve seen anyone ever about anyone else, not only recognized it (of course) but that he acknowledged it. He got the MAC-10 pointed out the coop.

“Mac Jones lights up Giants in Patriots’ joint practice session, capitalizing on Cam Newton’s absence.” Sure, I sentence-cased that shit for good ole WBZ, and I question the profundity of lighting anything up in a practice environment, but G., Papa and I can confirm that Jones outplayed Newton two weeks ago during the penultimate day of open training camp. Newton wasn’t there, in his defense. He was off researching vaccines or some bullshit. So it was Jones, it was always Jones. Ah, but which one??

Me, to my father: Is number eight Jones?

Papa: Must be.

Rando standing near us: Jones is on the other field. Number ten.

Me: Yeah, I meant Daniel Jones on the Giants.

Ice Cube: Bitch, it’s curtains!

Is Mac Jones the next competent Patriots quarterback? Is he even the next Andy Dalton? Shudder. I don’t know, it might not matter the way people are talking up this defense, this Stephon Gilmore-less defense. Let’s parse some Ringer clickbait. You can take Bill Simmons out of New England…

Will the Patriots defense bounce back to its 2019 form?

Oh, you mean the 2019 defense that nicknamed themselves early and then trailed off? It doesn’t even matter what it was. (Answer: “The Bogeymen.”)

As bad as the Patriots offense was in the first year of the post-Brady era, it was the defense that declined the most from 2019. After leading the league in defensive DVOA–

Oh, it’s that kind of analysis. “DVOA”? Delta Variant Overwhelms… hmm, what’s a country that starts with “A”?

–defensive DVOA that year, New England fell to twenty-sixth last season.

Sounds bad!

The decline didn’t come out of nowhere. The Patriots were hit hard by COVID opt-outs…

I remember that! Dont’a Hightower was a huge loss and Patrick Chung was almost as bad. And then? And then! Special-teamer Brandon Bolden, brought back for 2019 after being allowed to walk to a division rival the year before; starting right tackle Marcus Cannon, who probably would have been dealt away like he was in March; tight end Matt LaCosse, a running Patriots Unfiltered joke who was released and demoted to the practice squad last week; fullback Danny Vitale and wide receiver Marqise Lee, somehow considered subtractions when they barely qualified as additions after signing one-year contracts and then opting out ahead of training camp; and reserve offensive lineman Najee Toran, who spent all of 2019 on the practice squad. Not exactly eight Hightowers.

…and lost some key contributors in free agency.

Brady, of course. Of course. Ouch. But my man is focusing on the, uh, DVOA. Dromboid Versus Overbearing Asshole. So: linebacker Kyle Van Noy, released by the Dolphins one year into a four-year deal and… wait… resigned?… re-signed?… by the Pats in the spring (watch for a surprise cut tomorrow); linebacker Jamie Collins, freak athlete and unreliable mess; defensive tackle Danny Shelton, released by the Lions one year into a two-year deal; linebacker/“fullback” Elandon Roberts, now on his second one-year deal with the Dolphins; and to round things out, reserve offensive lineman Ted Karras, back after a year with, yes, the Dolphins; and special-teamer Nate Ebner, now on his second one-year deal with the Giants. Not exactly seven Bradys, or even seven Van Noys.

The talent, especially in the front seven, just wasn’t there.

It’s a good thing we’re not judging sustained talent evaluation and acquisition.

But Bill Belichick has restocked his defense in the past few months. Dont’a Hightower is back after his COVID opt-out; Kyle Van Noy returns after a year–

“released… one year into a four-year deal”

–after a year in Miami; and Matthew Judon joined in free agency.

I love the Judon pickup. Everyone does. If he gets hurt we’re fucked.

New England also signed Davon Godchaux…

Standard Belichick big body. Fine.

…and drafted Christian Barmore…

I like it!

…to beef up the run defense, which finished last in DVOA in 2020.

Hold on. The author specified “defensive DVOA” earlier. Wouldn’t that be “DDVOA”? Enough horseplay, what exactly are we abbreviating? Wikipedia: “Defense-adjusted Value Over Average.” So the author provides a redundant “defensive” qualifier for those of us who don’t bother with Football Outsiders and Pro Football Focus, we lose the D… and we’re ignoring that compound “defense-adjusted” and the resulting “DAVOA”? Now there’s a beautiful acronym! Da Analytics Vroom Orgasm Alright!

If the run defense is better, Belichick should be able to get back to the aggressive brand of defense New England played in 2019 when it blitzed the hell out of opposing quarterbacks and dared them to beat the secondary’s tight man coverage.

And got smoked in the first round of the playoffs. But sure, what you said about the Gilmore-less secondary.

G. couldn’t care less about any of the above. Any of it! What she cares about is Red Goddamn Robin. It’s a good thing she loves their chicken fingers (we’ve outgrown kids-menu portions but not kids-menu offerings) because my burger was underwhelming and undercooked—when the two options are medium and well done and you ask for well but get medium? And when you order a namesake Red Robin 1969 Lager to wash it down and are told they’re all out? And when Sam Adams is the best alternative except for the fact that you’ve sworn it off for political reasons? And when you settle for your first Stella in twenty years and remember that pilsners, especially those brewed by international conglomerates, were never your favorite style of beer? Well, I’m glad G. got her chicken, and I’m sure she’ll enjoy the CBS Scene’s undoubtedly unique recipe next August. Inconvenient dates? Coronavirus lockdowns? This two-year training camp interruption is over.

RIP David Patten. Love that guy. “Touchdown, David Patten!”

Up next: Newton’s and Michel’s jerseys are half off at the pro shop. Cheers!