Can it, Handy: “What’s a song lyric that has stuck with you forever?”
The beer: Marshall Wharf Salud Mexican Lager
The headline: “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why don’t ya!” – Stranglers, “Shut Up”
The commentary: I got dem ol’ critical heat blues again, mama!
Patriots have record-breaking contract offer on the table for Christian Gonzalez
According to team owner Robert Kraft, Gonzalez has a lucrative contract offer on the table.
“Handy” Bob Kraft, international businessman and MAGA devotee, chooses idiocy as a negotiating tactic.
“We love Christian Gonzalez. We love him as a player, as a person. That’s why we’ve made an offer to him that makes him the highest-paid player ever to play that position in the NFL,” Kraft told reporters on the Gillette Stadium practice fields. “Coincidentally, it’s the highest contract in Patriots franchise history.”
What’s the point of announcing this? To turn fans against Gonzalez if he doesn’t sign? Yes, that’s the point, as billionaire team owners cry fowl over “greedy” players. In a related story, this news item is two weeks old, Gonzalez has been a full practice participant and there is zero (reported) progress on a contract extension. “Handy,” though—he clearly isn’t a reader—breezes through a consequence-free life in the manner of those who solicit handjobs from victims of sex trafficking:
Kraft also touched on his hopes for the 2026 team, saying:
“I’m feeling pretty good.”
July 17, 2026
Meanwhile, in the most predictable take in history, “Handy” has no moral dilemma in fully supporting head coach Mike “New Nickname Pending” Vrabel for, you know, cheating on his wife and maybe destroying two families:
Kraft put his support behind head coach Mike Vrabel when asked about Vrabel navigating a “turbulent” offseason, saying, “We’re privileged to have Mike as our head coach. No one is infallible. […] He’s someone I have a strong belief and faith in.”
Jennifer, Tyler and Carter Vrabel probably did at one point as well, right? It’s so easy to not be a scumbag. Elsewhere in the division, I see the Bills have already forfeited the season:
Josh Allen pleads with Bills fans to stop hating ugly new uniforms
“Stop hating on the jerseys, guys,” Allen told the assembled media. “They’re great. I honestly like, speaking of new, right? It’s a new look, I understand that. We’ve got to be new. And these jerseys are kind of symbolic of that. And I’m excited to wear them. It symbolizes a lot of newness and that I am excited about. I’ve heard a lot of comments about the jerseys. I enjoy them. I think it’s very symbolic of what we want to do and who we want to be. I understand people want the old jerseys and the old helmets and all that, but at some point too we are moving forward. We have to move forward and do something new and that’s what we’re doing.”
“C’mon, guys, knock it off. C’mon. Just give these clothes a chance. OK? I’m dying inside.” Meanwhile…
This fucking team is toast. It’s not all kittens and pancakes on the home front, however, as Kayshon Boutte—drafted, developed, productive wide receiver Kayshon Boutte, who isn’t retiring after two seasons—will likely be traded because expensive free agent Romeo Doubs… isn’t as good as him? Karen Guregian, celebrated Patriots beat reporter, what say you behind a paywall?
Patriots receiver Kayshon Boutte remains in holding pattern regarding his future
By the sound of it, it’s status quo on the Kayshon Boutte front.
A headline proclaiming no news followed by a redundant lede. That’s why you’re the best, Karen. Do they teach media beef in Journalism 101 as well?
Todd McShay calls Ollie Connolly a “scumbag” over Rueben Bain Jr. accident reporting
This is from April, which goes to show that a Google Keep document never rests during the offseason. Anyway, Todd, you can’t come after my man Ollie and avoid creamy blowback (gross). But sure, let’s see where you’re coming from—I’m sure your motivations aren’t questionable at all.
The news of a deadly car accident involving Miami edge rusher Rueben Bain (Jr.) last week set off a broader debate over reporting on the NFL Draft, one that now has veteran draft analyst Todd McShay calling Ollie Connolly, the reporter who broke the Bain news, a “scumbag.”
According to police and court documents from the Miami area cited by Connolly, Bain was at fault in a crash in March 2024 that resulted in the death of a young woman. No field sobriety test was administered, but the Hurricanes star was cited for reckless driving. That charge was dropped several weeks later.
A follow-up report from OutKick’s Trey Wallace showed that Bain later settled a lawsuit with the driver of the vehicle struck in the accident. The young woman who died was a passenger in the plaintiff’s car. Wallace also uncovered a second accident from October 2025, for which Bain was also cited for careless driving.
In the aftermath of both reports, McShay claimed in a post on [Nazi Twitter] that he and several other NFL reporters, as well as most NFL teams, knew of the accident prior to Connolly’s report.
I know this is just Awful Announcing aggregating a bunch of other reporting but Bain doesn’t come off as someone I’d leap to publicly defend.
In an appearance on the Stugotz and Company show on Thursday, McShay doubled down in his defense of those who kept the story quiet, calling Bain “a really good young man” while ripping Connolly, an independent football reporter, as a “scumbag.”
“Honestly, I think the person that posted this is kind of a scumbag, the timing of it. ‘Look at me, click on my (article),’” McShay said. “Because you know what? I know several respected insiders who had this information, and it’s not indicative of who Reuben Bain is as a person. And NFL teams have already been aware of this information, vetted this information. The only concern is, will more come up after the fact?”
“Several respected insiders”? What’s up with NFL reporters just not reporting shit?
Connolly has not posted on [Nazi Twitter] since sharing a link to his report on Bain, but many NFL reporters have verified his reporting, which he backed up with links to the public documents he cited.
From McShay’s point of view, the issue seems to be that the story is irrelevant to Bain’s future career and does not represent his character. McShay revealed that he first learned of the incident in mid-January and added that, even then, it was not “news” to NFL teams.
Um: “Bain was at fault in a crash in March 2024 that resulted in the death of a young woman.” Erm: “Wallace also uncovered a second accident from October 2025, for which Bain was also cited for careless driving.”
Beyond the timing, McShay believes that the support for Bain from the Miami program…
The U: revered pillar of integrity.
…signals that the young defender has grown from the incident and has strong enough character for an NFL team to invest a top pick and millions in him.
“Reuben Bain was the heartbeat of that program. It’s not like, ‘Oh, he’s a good guy, we stand by him.’ It’s, ‘No. Get outta here,’” McShay explained. “He made a horrible mistake, and you hope there’s maturity in that.
Daniel LaPlante made a horrible mistake, and you hope there’s maturity in that.
And fortunately, the family, it sounds like, of the young lady who was tragically killed has come to peace with it.”
“Fortunately”?? For whom? Todd, you can tell us, is your real name Rueben Bain (Sr.)?
Up next: A teenager badgers Papa and me about when are we going to Red Robin, already. Cheers!
