The beer: Silvaticus Rex Czech Pale Lager
The headline: “Don’t keep on tellin’ me everything’s OK, ’cause if it was then you wouldn’t be cryin’.” – Latimore, “Let’s Straighten It Out”

The commentary: Latimore laid it all out during G’s and my hour-plus drive to Foxborough this week, with sentiment that could apply to two overlapping audiences, neither of which includes me:

• Patriots “fans” who believe there is no way on Earth this team will win fewer than ten games, and get angry at those who would call an eight-win season a step in the right direction.
• Patriots “fans” who refer to the wide receiver roster as “stacked” instead of “crowded,” and insist that the defense already elite.

Odds are that all of the above would consider Drake Maye a top-five quarterback. Don’t get me wrong—I hope they’re right, or that they are proven right in the next several months. I do! I’m not rooting against his development, but I’m also not ready to refuse Jayden Daniels in a one-for-one trade.

Even Papa was ready to ditch the hill Monday in favor of Red Robin this year and I didn’t have a great reason to insist we keep watching the session. That great Stefon Diggs catch in the corner of the end zone! Or was it Kayshon Boutte? Javon Baker? 8, 9, 6… why can’t they just turn around and head toward us for a better look? At least we saw a guy get yelled at for filming part of practice on his phone—are we sure Belichick is gone?

I’ll watch the Commanders game in the morning, or part of it anyway, just so I’m not surprised when local folk hero Efton Chism (III) gets cut in a few weeks. Gimme a break. Cautious optimism—at least toward improvement over last year and, yes, eight wins signifying progress—defines the upcoming season and I’m here for it. What say you today, once venerable Newsweek? (Thanks, clickbait algorithm!)

Shocking Patriots prediction could shift balance in AFC East

Hold on. The prediction itself is shifting the balance?

The Patriots are coming off an ugly 4–13 season, but most everybody expects them to have a much better season in 2025.

OHMYGOD I’M HOOKED TELL ME MORE.

That’s in part due to Mike Vrabel, who brings much-needed elements of competence, toughness and experience to the head coaching position. The increased expectations are also due in large part to the Patriots having the third-easiest schedule in the NFL, which should allow them to at least flirt with their over-under of 8.5 wins.

While those expectations are fairly reasonable, one ESPN reporter has even higher belief in what the Patriots can do in 2025.

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Michael Hurley, “Contributing Sports Writer,” I’m hanging on by a thread! Gimme the damn juice!

“I not only am buying Patriots stock. It would not shock me if they won the AFC East,” Jeremy Fowler said on Get Up this week. “I really feel that way.”

“Would not shock”? The fuck?

The Patriots haven’t won the division since Tom Brady was still under center back in 2019. The Buffalo Bills have won the AFC East every year since then. But Fowler believes there is a real chance that changes this year.

I know, I just read the quote!

“Buffalo’s still the favorite, but look: Miami’s in transition, New York Jets, in transition,” Fowler said. “(The Patriots have) loaded up on the offensive line. They’ve loaded up, the defensive line’s looking really good. Drake Maye—there’s just something about Drake Maye. I do think he’s going to make a massive jump. Buffalo’s still the favorite but I’m gonna put it right there. I’ve got the Patriots with a chance to win it.”

This entire paragraph is bullshit. Skipping ahead, the Patriots have a rookie left tackle with arms that might be long enough for him to get demoted to guard. Left guard and center are up for grabs but one of those will probably be Jared [sic] Wilson, who seems to have had a good camp. Center then is free agent Garrett Bradbury, cast off from the Vikings in favor of youth—oops! Mike Onwenu is the right guard, coming off what is universally regarded as his worst season. Morgan Moses is at right tackle, which seems like a solid spot, if he can stay healthy. And then? And then! “There’s just something about Drake Maye.” Thanks for the analysis! Lastly, and reiterating the first sentence, “Buffalo’s still the favorite but–” But nothing! You were supposed to shift the balance in the AFC East! And you’re giving me “Buffalo is the favorite”! Twice!

Just about nobody is predicting the Patriots to win the division, but very few are even willing to go as far as Fowler by saying they have a chance.

Mike, bubby, are you so unplugged from the local sports media insanity now that you’ve left WBZ??

Perhaps some national outlooks will begin to change as the season gets closer and closer to week one.

That’s the whole article! I, and league hierarchy, remain unshifted for the moment. Newsweek, what else you got??

Patriots rookie already emerging as potential 1,000-yard breakout star

More talk of potential! GIMME.

The New England Patriots have a lot to be excited about coming into this season. Drake Maye showed a lot of promise last year, which is exciting enough…

Jeremy Fowler is with you!

…but the Patriots built up the offense around him a lot better heading into the season. The offensive line is better, and the weapons around Maye are a lot better this season than last as well.

That’s one instance of “better” and two of “a lot better.” How’s about this business with the emerging breakout star?

FanSided’s Rucker Haringey recently made the bold prediction that Patriots rookie running back TreVeyon Henderson would rush for 1,000 yards this year.

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Zach Pressnell, “Contributing Sports Writer,” are you about to fill the bulk of this article with someone else’s statements like Mike did?

“The Patriots’ ground game was shockingly inefficient last year. Rhamondre Stevenson led the team with 207 carries on the year, but averaged less than four yards per rush,” Haringey wrote. “Stevenson is still on the roster…”

Somehow. The man is a fumbling machine.

…but it’s telling that New England spent a second-round pick on TreVeyon Henderson. He is not the sort of battering ram that Vrabel has utilized in previous seasons, but he has a rare ability to turn ordinary carries into explosive gains.

I’m pretty excited about Henderson, to be honest, but he has zero NFL yards.

“New England needs to do whatever they can to stop Maye from feeling like he needs to produce all the big plays.”

Two instances of “needs to.”

“That’s why Henderson is going to get a lot of work ahead of Stevenson as the season rolls along. He may start slow, but he’ll finish strong and top the 1,000-yard mark as a rookie.”

Hey, at least Haringey didn’t couch it like Fowler. Basically: Henderson will rush for more than a thousand yards. Sweet!

Rushing for 1,000 yards in a season is quite a steep ask of the rookie running back, especially considering the Patriots’ top rusher last season ran for 800 yards on over 200 carries.

Sure, it’s rare for the Patriots, but I’m willing to best there are several first- and second-day picks who top a thousand in their rookie seasons.

But the offensive line is better than last season…

OHMYGOD STOP.

…and Henderson is a better back than Stevenson and Antonio Gibson. If the Patriots are able to move the ball well and give the rookie over 200 carries, there’s a chance he eclipses the 1,000 rushing yard mark en route to some consideration for Offensive Rookie of the Year.

“If,” “there’s a chance”… wait, did you just editorialize that he’s an OROY candidate?? TELL ME MORE. Oh, that’s the end of the article. Next!

Patriots’ former first-round pick making waves as potential trade chip

Potential.

[Blah blah blah.] Bleacher Report’s Kristopher Knox…

I hope his middle name isn’t Kevin.

…recently listed former first-round pick Cole Strange as a potential trade candidate for the Patriots ahead of the regular season.

And here I thought we were talking about Ja’Lynn Polk. We are stacked at receiver!

Up next: I will not tune in for the six o’clock unveiling of Brady’s statue. That guy is off the rails. Cheers!