The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: Shipyard Summer Wheat Ale
The result: Win, 33–27
The record: 1–1
The headline: “We gotta clean it up cuz it’s so dope.” – Ice-T, “Fried Chicken”

The commentary: Ice’s “Freedom of Speech… Just Watch What You Say” is too on the nose, right? In that case, here’s a brief history of beer-and-football Patriots-at-Dolphins:

Season I – Win, 38–30
“Turns out it was the best game I’d watched in a couple of years.”
Compelling analysis as always!

Season II – Win, 38–24
“Mayo had another one of his is-he-even-out-there games.”
Boy, just wait until he’s coaching.

Season III – Win, 23–16
“These are the problems Patriots fans create for themselves.”
I miss Brady-era arrogance.

Season IV – Loss, 24–20
“Everyone knows that bandwidth-reliant digital music is of a higher audio quality than ‘ridiculous-sounding’ locally stored digital music.”
I called the “lossless audio” craze a long friggin time ago.

Season V – Loss, 33–20
“‘They keep falling! Why are they falling?’”
Months later, Malcom Butler fell down after intercepting Russell Wilson.

Season VI – Loss, 20–10
“Did they lose because they played poorly or because they didn’t care? I’m sure Belichick will let us know.”
Belichick will die with so many secrets that don’t matter in the large scheme of things.

Season VII – Win, 35–14
“Manchester [by the Sea] exceeded expectations and lived up to the hype, even though Casey Affleck drove through Swampscott on his way from Quincy to Beverly and didn’t insist on the regional ‘awnt’ instead of the rest-of-American ‘ant’ aunt.”
I loved this movie and don’t know that I can ever watch it again.

Season VIII – Loss, 27–20
“This defense still blows. Phooey.”
Apply similar observations to so many overrated Belichick squads.

Season IX – Loss, 34–33
“‘Mr. Claus has a red suit, he’s a communist!’”
Shame on you! Canceled!

Season X – Win, 43–0
“Good luck cracking five hundred with Brady’s successor, Josh.”
Nothing really worked out for anyone but Brady, right?

Season XI – Loss, 22–12
“Nick Folk is the team’s MVP and it’s not close.”
Lucky Jets.

Season XII – Loss, 33–24
“Was ‘Putting the ugh in Foxborough’ a thing during the pre-Bledsoe days I wasted on indie rock and alcohol poisoning?”
I’m starting to wonder if I should copyright this.

Season XIII – Loss, 20–7
“I suppose I like [King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard] in the way I do Spacemen 3—ape enough good shit well and your shit, too, will rock.”
The criticism holds, but you must admire their pay-what-you-will scheme on Bandcamp.

Season XIV – Loss, 31–17
“George Clinton was right—there’s no way this improves until it’s allowed to improve.”
Or allowed and then allowed again.

Season XV – Loss, 34–15
“Trump? Musk? Vance? MAGA? Republicans? Conservatives? Nazis? Non-voters? Fuck you! Fuck you! Motherfucker[s]!”
Hey Keith, is it November 2026 yet? Jesus Christ.

“Fried Chicken” is my man Ice-T’s follow-up to a convincing 2020 win over the Jets—“Ricochet” (“Never hesitate to take a chump sucker down”) as the soundtrack to “Mac Jones continu[ing] to play it safe, or play well safely” versus current Dolphins backup Zach Wilson—and he nails it once again. It was a good win, with a handful of great plays and sloppiness to spare. “We should use this, right?” Pour your heart into it!

People talked and wrote all week about how this might turn out to have been Drake Maye’s “coming out” week, when he played his best and led the team to victory, but it would have felt truer had he been able to run out the clock with two minutes left. Work in progress all around, from the coach to the goddamn kicker—honing the craft against a mediocre Steelers team and an insufferable Aaron Rodgers could go a long way, especially with Christian “You Get That Cat, I’ll Be on the Sideline” Gonzalez missing another one. Shudder. Ready the flat-Earth hot takes.

Up next: Rodgers keeps falling! Why is he falling? Cheers!