Week nine
The game: Patriots at Titans
The beer: Notch Kölsch Cologne-Style Ale
The result: Loss, 20–17
The record: 2–7

Week ten
The game: Patriots at Bears
The beer: Newburyport 110 Copper Ale
The result: Win, 19–3
The record: 3–7

Week eleven
The game: Rams at Patriots
The beer: Night Shift Dunkel John’s Band Lager
The result: Loss, 28–22
The record: 3–8

Week twelve
The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: Earth Eagle Crows of Odin Oatmeal Stout
The result: Loss, 34–15
The record: 3–9

Week thirteen
The game: Colts at Patriots
The beer: Silvaticus Humor Rye Lager
The result: Loss, 25–24
The record: 3–10

Week fourteen (bye)
The beer: Outrider Inner Mono-Lager

Week fifteen
The game: Patriots at Cardinals
The beer: Mil 77 Pitch Invader English Bitter Ale
The result: Loss, 30–17
The record: 3–11

Week sixteen
The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Loaded Question You’ve Been Naughty Dark Winter Lager
The result: Loss, 24–21
The record: 3–12

The election
The electoral college: Trump wins, 312–226
The popular vote (millions): Trump wins, 77–75

The headline: “Standin’ like you runnin’ shit, you ain’t the fuckin’ president.” – Kool Keith, “FUMF”

The commentary: Kook Keith comin’ through again! It’s amazing what a fucked-up national election can do to a weekly stream of beer-and-football insights. A nearly two-month gap? I stand by goddamn everything.

That’s a lot of losses we’ve missed—six of them against one win (and one bye). A likely top-three pick looms in April, sure, but it would have been nice to take out a sleepy Bills team on Sunday. That Drake Maye though, amiright? Had him all the way! So the keepers from this year’s team, so far as I’m concerned, are he and Christian Gonzalez. Others are nice-to-haves but upgrade potential exists throughout the roster except for quarterback—admittedly the most important spot to feel good about, if unfortunate in that there isn’t an obvious blue-chip prospect that someone would be willing to trade multiple first-round picks for. It’s early, I guess, and the ESPN Combine Machine still has time to go insane.

What’s the move? Left tackle? (Boring!) Wide receiver? Cornerback? Edge rusher? Staff security officer to remove Eliot Wolf from the building? I’m sure “Handy” Bob Kraft will do the right thing after letting the greatest quarterback of all time win a Super Bowl somewhere else and then waiting too long to fire Belichick. Shudder.

As of one o’clock today I’m on Christmas break, which gives me no excuse to not have posted this already. Steve Albini—gone just in time, it turns out—and Shellac provide our Xmas Blues title, taken from the live “It’s gonna be a hard winter!” version of “Billiard Player Song.” Holy shit but you got that right, man, as Christmas 2025 promises Fuck-All Wrapped in Nothing under shriveling trees everywhere. Trump? Musk? Vance? MAGA? Republicans? Conservatives? Nazis? Non-voters? Fuck you! Fuck you! Motherfucker[s]!

1. Lisa Miller – Loneliest Christmas Tree
If Miller’s 1967 B-side isn’t the most appropriate Christmas song for what “everyday American” Trump voters are about to experience then I resign from blogging:

• Phase 1 – Biden’s thriving economy will kill us all.
• Phase 2 – Trump wins, hooray! Nowhere to go but up!
• Phase 3 – “I was left in the streets to die.”

2. Mr. Airplane Man – Winter Psalm
Mr. Airplane Man Christmas music? Mr. Airplane Man Christmas music. Time to tour already.

3. Matagot – Christmas Wrapping
This Waitresses cover is from 2015’s Riot Grrrl Christmas compilation, twenty years past its due date. Matagot “r [a] band” from London and also…

is, in the oral traditions of French folklore, a spirit in the form of an animal, frequently a black cat, though rat, fox, dog or cow types are also said to exist.

Why stop there? How’s about any animal with four legs. Zebras, sloths… get it together, France.

Matagots are generally evil, but some may prove helpful, like the “magician cat” said to bring wealth into a home if it is well fed. Traditionally, a wealth-bringing matagot must be lured with a fresh, plump chicken, then carried home by its new owner without the human once looking back.

“Oh, you forgot plump chickens too?”

4. Odetta – Poor Little Jesus
Odetta’s “Hit or Miss” was, according to Spotify Wrapped, the song I played (there) more than anything except Mary Timony’s “Dominoes.” Next at three? Ty Segall’s “Void.” Fifth? Bob Calvert’s “Catch a Falling Starfighter.” All, of course, feature within the first forty-five minutes of Volume 16, and the excluded fourth-most-played track (Ersen and Kardaşlar’s “Güneşe Dön Çiçeğim”) (!) might as well have been track fifty-one due to a late-inning, also-Turkish substitution (Grup Bunalım’s “Taş Var Köpek Yok”) (!!). In the end, Odetta batted cleanup so it’s appropriate that her Christmas Sprituals LP from 1960 was discovered in time for the holidays.

5. Hives/Cyndi Lauper – A Christmas Duel
The soundtrack to my former snowy, drunken walks to North Station from the InterContinental VaGina. It took fifteen years for me to realize Howlin’ Pelle Almqvist is singing “spend, spend, spend this Chris-Christmas together” instead of a lispy “spend, spend, spend this Christmas month together” in the chorus. Projection is a sin.

Up next: Los Angeles Chargers fans, in some alternate universe, overwhelm Gillette Stadium. Merry Christmas!