The game: Chiefs at Patriots
The beer: Earth Eagle Puca Curry Pumpkin Porter
The result: Loss, 27–17
The method: NFL+
The record: 3–11
The headline: “Yo, chief administrator, suck my oil.” – Dr. Octagon, “Technical Difficulties”

The commentary: Has a team up ten points with minutes remaining in the fourth quarter ever advanced to the four-yard line and knelt out to turn the ball over on downs with thirty-plus seconds remaining? From a strategic point I sort of get it—had they tried to score they risked a fumble or interception return for a touchdown, followed by a successful onside kick by the worst special-teams unit in the league, followed by rookie Chad Ryland sending us to overtime.

I know, I know, but it could have happened.

What I think, though, is that Andy Reid didn’t want to show up old friend Bill “Fire” Belichick in his own stadium. Reid’s… decency? mercy?… was the equivalent of letting a crusty old relative tell you again about that time he parallel parked between Howie Carr’s Brougham and a legless hobo—let’s just get out of here without making a scene.

I know shit about Taylor Swift’s catalog—as if Spotify hasn’t exposed my everything-bagel consistent taste for “alternative rock,” “rock,” “free jazz,” “neo-psychedelic” (!) and “psychedelic rock”—and so I can’t lead things off with one of her scores of on-the-nose smash hits. I suppose G. might have helped, having admitted halfway through the game that she didn’t know who she wanted to win. Drag.

(Ask me about her boyfriend though—is Kelce always bracing for hits at the expense of, you know, catching touchdown passes? Gronk might as well be from Mars compared to this guy—does Swift have a song about Mars? Or complete tight ends?)

Instead, Kool Keith, a.k.a. Dr. Octagon, a.k.a. thousands more aliases, sets things up nicely by offering an appropriate song with a pithy summary about your head coach/general manager/chief administrator and a lyric reminding me to bring on those Xmas Blues. ’Tis the season!

Small fetus brought Santa Claus to greet us.

Bravo! If that’s not enough, masturbating Wookies are right in Keith’s wheelhouse so he also endorses viewing and live-blogging The Star Wars Holiday Special. Just not with your daughter. Jesus.

Chewbacca’s not here, I’ma do it for you circumcised [friends].

Happy Life Day! Lastly, he one-ups myrrh to gift humankind with the holiday hope to spend a few minutes Kissin’ Mary J. Blige on Earth. Too bad her Christmas album is terrible.

1. Girl Ray – (I Wish I Were Giving You a Gift) This Christmas
“Come home, Mikey.” Another bit of Christmas melancholia, pining for an ex-lover? “Winter was bleak—in a couple of weeks you’re gonna come running back to your mum’s feet.” Or something tragic, a mother missing her runaway son? Maybe he’s just at college university. “I need a friend tonight!” I don’t know what’s going on.

2. Black Ace – Santa Claus Blues
“Black Ace was the most frequently used stage name of the American Texas blues musician born Babe Kyro Lemon Turner, also known as BK Turner, Black Ace Turner, Babe Turner and Buck Turner.” Texas blues? “Texas blues is blues music from Texas.” Right. “In 1941, [Turner] appeared in The Blood of Jesus, an African-American movie produced by Spencer Williams (Jr.).” The Blood of Jesus? “Martha races back to the Crossroads between Hell and Zion, where Satan (along with a jazz band on a flatbed truck) is waiting for her arrival.” Right.

3. Chet Atkins – Coventry Carol/God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
Christmas With Chet Atkins is a half-excellent album from 1961—get those singers out of here! This is the second consecutive appearance of “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen” as part of a medley—comma placement remains crucial.

4. Blurt – Play the Game
You can thank Osees, having covered Blurt’s “The Fish Needs a Bike” on this year’s Creamy® semi-finalist Intercepted Message and, purposefully, introducing me to the band. “Donner and Blitzen!” It’s not even a stretch to call this Christmas music.

5. Esquivel – Blue Christmas
a.k.a. Equivel & His Orchestra & Chorus. “Pow! Pow!” 1996’s Merry Xmas From the Space-Age Bachelor Pad compiles Juan García’s holiday output that was originally spread between a few releases in 1959 and 1962. Merry Xmas was produced in conjunction with Combustible Edison, themselves riding a wave of international mega-stardom for work on the soundtrack to the Oscar-sweeping Four Rooms a year earlier. They appear on new opening and closing numbers here and then are murdered and thrown in the Charles—it’s the only explanation for their and their genre’s total disappearance.

Up next: Somewhere over Kansas, Belichick wrestles control of AirKraft and flies directly into Santa’s sleigh. Merry Christmas!