Week sixteen
The game: Bills at Patriots
The beer: Zero Gravity Extra Stout
The result: Loss, 33–21
The method: NFL Game Pass

Week seventeen
The game: Jaguars at Patriots
The beer: True North Dark Lantern Oatmeal Stout
The result: Win, 50–10
The method: NFL Game Pass

Week eighteen
The game: Patriots at Dolphins
The beer: SoMe Peanut Butter Whoopie Pie Milk Stout
The result: Loss, 33–24
The method: Live via Paramount+

The headline: “See what you’ve never seen… la, la, la, la.” – Donovan, “New Year’s Resovolution”

The commentary: Yes, “Resovolution.” Not a typo. (“Hurdy Gurdy Man” as Ur-Zeppelin? Definite typo. Of the mind.) And yes, a Patriots postseason sans that insufferable Buccaneers quarterback (who, no doubt, was just as insufferable from 2001 to 2019) hasn’t been seen around here for twenty-three years. La, la, la, la…

Drag. Perhaps sane local sportscaster Steve “Crazy Eyes” Burton can cheer us up—let’s see what he has to say in resovolving a 27–24 Pats victory tonight.

The Bills are four-point favorites this weekend, but you can throw that out the window. They were three-point favorites when the Patriots beat them the first time in Buffalo. The Pats are coming off a brutal loss in Miami, but it may just be what they need to ignite this team. The Patriots should bounce back and beat the Bills on Saturday night.

And his slightly more reasonable colleague Levan Reid, who predicts 17–10 in favor of the good guys?

[The Pats] need fast starts on offense and defense and they need special teams to be sound. They also need to play from ahead. I think it’s better that the Pats play the Bills in Buffalo than if they were to play here in Foxboro[ugh]. Buffalo, for some reason, does not play their best at home, while New England went 6–2 on the road this season. So I’m going with the upset.

One more.

Analysis (ə·năl·ĭ·sĭs): The separating of any material or abstract entity into its constituent elements as a method of studying the nature of something or of determining its essential features and their relations.

OK. Sentence by sentence.

The Bills are four-point favorites this weekend, but you can throw that out the window.
Oh good! Should they even play? I mean, if we’re discarding what isn’t favorable then let’s just give Belichick another trophy already.

They were three-point favorites when the Patriots beat them the first time in Buffalo.
And the Pats were favored by one in the rematch and lost by twelve. I guess we’ll throw that out the window as well.

The Pats are coming off a brutal loss in Miami, but it may just be what they need to ignite this team.
I love these “It’s good they lost!” arguments. I mean, if they lose tonight, won’t they be well motivated next season? It’s worked out for the Lions!

The Patriots should bounce back and beat the Bills on Saturday night.
Explain. Oh… you’re done, Steve? The Pats should win because “the Bills are four-point favorites” and they’re “coming off a brutal loss in Miami”? Never change, buddy.

[The Pats] need fast starts on offense and defense and they need special teams to be sound.
Levan comes on strong following Steve’s lunatic homerism. Fast starts! No unforced errors! I like it!

They also need to play from ahead.
Belichick interjects: “Believe it or not, Levan, we always try to start fast and play with a lead.” Sick burn. Keep it up, though, I don’t disagree with anything so far, no matter how vapid it may be.

I think it’s better that the Pats play the Bills in Buffalo than if they were to play here in Foxboro[ugh].
Hot take alert! Bring it! Also, was “Putting the ugh in Foxborough” a thing during the pre-Bledsoe days I wasted on indie rock and alcohol poisoning? It should have been! I’ll keep that one in my pocket in case Jones doesn’t pan out.

Buffalo, for some reason, does not play their best at home, while New England went 6–2 on the road this season.
Hold on. I just googled “buffalo bills home record” and, in three-fifths of a second, learned that the Bills went 6–3 at home this year compared to 5–3 away. Dude. I– I’m going to need you to back this up. What am I missing? Go back and read that “analysis” definition again, then deliver the insight. Take your time.

So I’m going with the upset.
Oh… you’re done too, Levan? What are we doing?

The separating of any material or abstract entity into its constituent elements as a method of studying the nature of something or of determining its essential features and their relations.
Better luck next time, Mr. Webster.

Up next: Idiots criticize Josh Allen’s cold-weather statistics as if their own quarterback isn’t a rookie raised in Florida and groomed in Alabama. Happy new year!