Just see what you’ve done: “Have you ever liked a villain more than the hero? Who and why?”

Week one
The game: Patriots at Seahawks
The beer: Riverwalk Legato Italian Pilsner
The result: Loss, 13–10
The record: 0–1
The headline: “She was right in the rain of the bullets that eventually brought her down.” – Beach Boys, “Heroes and Villains”

The commentary: Meet the new AJ-Brown-less Patriots… same as the old? I hate to be right about the stupidity of trading your third-best wide receiver—that is, assuming Romeo “Wide Open” Doubs is (was?) your second-best—because, you know, there wasn’t a place for him on the game-day roster, but Kayshon Boutte’s one catch for twenty-one Texan yards might have been the difference here. A seventh-rounder and a depth safety to keep Boutte from negatively influencing “future contributors” Kyle Williams and Efton Chism (III) with his thoughtfulness and team-first public attitude? What are we doing? Why is everyone all “Well, them’s the breaks” and I’ve only seen middle-roader Mike Reiss—I love the guy but he is the Ed Sheeran of the Patriots beat—call quasi-bullshit on a supposed draft-and-develop scheme that leads to inevitable, sustained success. Jesus, did you see this list? Anyway, here’s Mike:

[…] Part of the reason there’s added pressure on Doubs to [be better] is that his arrival greased the skids for receiver Kayshon Boutte requesting a trade, which ultimately landed him in Houston for a late-round pick and reserve safety Jaylen Reed. The Patriots had developed Boutte in their system, he had an established rapport with Maye and a case could be made he was one of their best receivers coming out of training camp after making countless plays down the field in contested-catch situations. The Patriots didn’t have to trade Boutte, who would have been an ideal safety net at this moment.

Here’s hoping Mike’s relaunched Reiss’ Pieces—he isn’t a reader, otherwise he’d adhere to the More Apostrophes Please stylebook and its S apostrophe S standard—offers more in the way of, you know, analysis in place of straight reporting. The fact that he’s promoting the page, in the face of ongoing high-profile ESPN layoffs, makes me wonder if it’s an exit strategy—plenty of room in the bloggo pool, Mike, and your dot-com is available!

In a way, though not any way I support, it’s a blessing that the good guys lost this one. Of course I wish they’d escaped with a win given the circumstances but they just didn’t deserve it. For all the hope around Brown, he only had three catches for twenty-six yards (and, yes, a significant pass-interference gain). Rhamondre “Stickum” Stevenson averaged fewer than three yards a carry and it didn’t even look that good. And Drake Maye? And Drake Maye! In making sure he doesn’t spill any crumbs on the floor you’re making it easier for him to drop entire chicken nuggets down there. (This metaphor needs work but is nonetheless excellent.) I’m not pre-defining an entire season based on three fourth-quarter interceptions in a road-underdog loss to the reigning Super Bowl champions—last year’s loss to the Raiders and 2024’s unlikely Bengals victory are reason enough—but if we lose to some overrated flat-Earther quarterback tomorrow then we might start looking ahead to drafting something other than a bench-warmer in April.

“Unafraid of what a dude’ll do in a town full of heroes and villains.” Yes, but tell me who is who!

Fauci expressed disillusionment with “rambling, crazy” Trump in journal

Diary entries released by a Republican senator in an attempt to damage Anthony Fauci also show the former top US government science adviser’s growing disillusionment with Donald Trump in the first year of the COVID-19 pandemic, branding the president “rambling,” “crazy,” “desperate,” “bumbling,” “incompetent,” “an idiot,” “a true embarrassment,” “totally nuts” and “truly an obnoxious adolescent.”

No notes. Filing Fauci under “Hero,” of course, though without his leadership maybe some of these anti-American Republicans would have perished to the benefit of sensible survivors. Drag. “The fluff of ratings and publicity” is our standout beer-and-football subtitle among several contenders—I might reserve “on the campaign trail spewing nonsense” for the post-midterms week nine in a Fear and Loathing fever dream—as my White House press access hangs by a thread. Meanwhile, Trump “kindles the crazies out there” by hoping:

• Global warming stretches unseasonable warmth into November…
• So MAGA idiots won’t have to crank up the thermostat before the election…
• And die out because they can’t afford to heat their homes with fossil fuels…
• Because they were brainwashed against sustainable energy sources.

They’d better get their act together, it’s time that they awoke. Uh-oh, stick to sports, amiright? Lots of This Week’s Sign the Buffalo Bills Are Fucking Toast! candidates as Josh Allen steamrolls two likely playoff contenders—so far, this segment accomplishes nothing.

Joe Brady took his shirt off after first Bills win and gave away his game ball

[…] Allen handed Brady the football and wrapped him in a hug as the locker room erupted. Then someone had another request. “Take your shirt off. Shirt off. Shirt off.” Brady obliged.

Sure, Jan, this is the guy who takes them to the Super Bowl. I guess Dianna Russini bombshells aren’t in his future though.

Josh Allen recoils as unsettling spider interrupts press conference

[…] Allen met with the media Tuesday after practice, and while answering a question about head coach Joe Brady being on the sideline after years as offensive coordinator up in the booth, he saw a creepy-crawly spider trying to share the table he was sitting at. “That’s a spider,” Allen said as his mood quickly shifted from cheerful to troubled. “I don’t like that.” […] “Good? Alright, thanks, guys,” Allen quickly said as he jumped up from his seat and exited the podium with haste.

“Must hurry. Not safe to stay in the open in these places. Make haste!”

PETA reacts after Buffalo Bills go viral for “disgusting” baby bison pregame stunt

[…] “Putting a baby bison in front of the stadium so drunk fans can scare him going in? Beyond cruel. Actually disgusting,” [a fan] added.

Is it a wonder this country elected a goddamn motherfucker as its leader? Especially with assholes like Terry Pegula and “Handy” Bob Kraft running our favorite teams? Fear and loathing, indeed.

Up next: Aaron Rodgers does his own research. Cheers!