The beer: Rockport Pescato Italian Style Pilsner
The headline: “I said life stinks! I said I need a drink! I said life stinks! I said life stinks! I said!” – Pere Ubu, “Life Stinks”

The commentary: RIP David Thomas—as if Crocus Behemoth wouldn’t go first overall and redefine left tackle dominance.

The Patriots stink, right? Ah, but at least Eliot Wolf still contributes to the future of the team! Anyway, it seems like it’s going to be LSU tackle Will “Lil’ Wing” Campbell. Great. When you have the opportunity to draft a left guard or right tackle with the fourth pick then, I don’t know, I guess you have no other needs.

Speaking of other needs: have four years of Blogger draft diaries plus one previous WordPress edition. Three straight years, one year off, four years off and now three years off. There is no pattern.

2012 | 2013 | 2014 | 2016 | 2021

Here we go with number six and a pause-able NFL+, though timestamps are likely a minute late due to the latency of streaming infrastructure. Drag.

8:00
Right, it’s in Green Bay. A guy at my company lives in Wisconsin and of course “owns” the Packers. He’s also a sexual predator.

8:02
I think this montage is as close as I get to Travis Hunter and Abdul Carter for the rest of my life.

8:03
Rich Eisen hosts, of course, alongside Daniel “DJ” Jeremiah, Charles “CD” Davis and the one and only Joel Klatt, winner of one fewer Super Bowl than Aaron Rodgers. Zero personality at this table.

8:05
Roger Goodell rides out to half-hearted boos on Pee-Wee Herman’s bike, followed by a bunch of dudes (including Lil Wayne) (?) who barely remain upright. It’s a goddamn miracle no one plunged off the stage within three-eighths of an inch of Campbell’s vain attempt to catch them.

8:06
Rog says “Sure, Green Bay is small, that’s why we invited thousands more people.” Oh look, the lower-third informs us that DJ rates Campbell the eleventh best player available. Wonderful.

8:08
Clay Matthews makes a pretty good Trump joke about the Bears. Eisen: “Wow.”

8:09
At least fifteen people in the Titans draft room. They’re like “Holy shit, we’re on the clock??”

8:11
The panel talks about how the Titans are terrible and how Cam Ward wasn’t highly recruited and what a success story this can’t help but turn out to be.

8:12
Here’s Kurt Warner, radical fake Christian and winner of one more Super Bowl than Klatt. Snooze. DRAFT ROOM CAM: smiling man on phone!

8:13
Ward’s third bullet point is BAKER MAYFIELD. I guess we have a sniff-worthy future of Patriots Unfiltered’s Fred Kirsch insisting the league will be even better with these two in it.

8:14
Ian Rapoport, a.k.a. Rap Sheet, a.k.a. Crap Sheet, lies about the Browns and Giants losing their minds trying to trade up.

8:16
It’s Ward. This Green Bay crowd is already tired.

8:17
TRADE ALERT: Jacksonville consummates the mind-losing and jumps to the Browns’ number two. Which tells me they know who they want and shouldn’t need the whole ten minutes, right? Grampa Cheesehead needs to wake up early tomorrow to stare wistfully into an uncertain agricultural future.

8:20
Ward is maybe six inches taller than onstage interviewer Jamie Erdahl. She might be tall but: RED FLAG.

8:23
Are the Jags taking Ashton Jeanty? Which means Hunter or Carter would be available for the good guys??

8:24
Arik Armstead shouts out five Duval goofballs who rightly got the fuck out of Florida for the night.

8:25
Bye-bye, Travis. “Where’d you get this jacket??” A. bought a crazy fuzzy pink blanket for the living room a few months back and if G. weren’t wrapped in it right now I’d swear he had it made into that thing. He looks great.

8:31
Giants take Carter. Fuuuck. I’ve got about eight minutes to get excited about someone who can maybe play left tackle in the NFL.

8:33
Brian Daboll front and center in the Giants draft room. Does he return to Foxborough or Buffalo as an assistant next year?

8:34
Pats on the clock and the pick is in. Enthusiasm is overrated.

8:35
Erdahl asks Carter “What can you do to be incredi-bdul?” Give her the Emmy.

8:39
Boos for the Pats. In 2025? It’s Campbell, of course, as (according to Eisen) “the Patriots decide to go for protection up front for their diamond-in-the-rough quarterback.” The fuck you say! Meanwhile, Mac Jones’s tailor somehow maintains their SEC-to-Foxborough client base.

[Patriots Unfiltered’s live draft show—heard Friday morning—fleshes out the event:

Fred: He looks like a Batman villain.

He stole my balloons!]

8:40
Campbell’s onscreen descriptors: AGILITY/AWARENESS/SMOOTH PASS PRO/FIRM HANDS & BASE/NASTY FINISHER. DJ: “Much was made about the arm length, does he need to slide in and play guard? I think he can hold up at tackle, but an absolute worst-case scenario, you’ve got yourself a Pro-Bowl-caliber guard down the road.” This was exactly PU Fred’s estimation of Isaiah Wynn in 2018—how’d that work out?

[Someone needs a napkin:

Fred: Everything he does, I like him more!

I don’t know, Deuce said something about deer-hunting a minute ago. And are you forgetting your own “Isaiah Wynn-jury” nickname??]

8:42
Oh good, Campbell is known as Mr. Depressed Red State That Helped Elect Donald Trump With Sixty Percent of Its Vote. Beautiful. Here, though, is where I lay off since the moment clearly means a lot to him. Excellent job by interviewer Erdahl—her simple “Congratulations” as he’s trying to hold it together goes a long way. Shades of Anderson Cooper. (Shudder.) “I’m gawn fight and die to protect [Drake Maye] with everything I got.” Right on. Can’t he just denounce MAGA and, you know, dead-hang from a chin-up bar for twenty minutes a day to stretch those arms?

8:44
Quick check of ESPN’s “2025 NFL draft: Top prospects, picks, rankings, stats, mocks” and, nope, Campbell isn’t featured. David Thomas in the afterlife though, probably: “Will Campbell is a cup.”

8:53
Eisen throws it to commercial with a quick cutaway to notable Steve-Perry-less San Francisco band Journey playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” at a half-empty Browns Stadium for some reason. And there it is.

8:57
Jets on the clock. Eisen, basically: “They could pick this player or that player or any player.” They take right tackle Armand Membou, advertised that way instead of as someone who will inevitably be moved there. I need a drink.

9:02
The blimp shot of Lambeau underscores that its surrounding neighborhoods resort to blackout conditions in order for the stadium’s lights to remain on. Packers ownership is American exploitation at its finest.

9:04
Panthers pick Tet McMillan and Eisen says “Ohhh!” like someone just goosed him. McMillan looks like someone who would get drafted by the Pats and then be out of the league in three years.

9:10
As good a time as any to note that this is my three hundredth WordPress post. We’ve surely come a long way since my two hundredth in November 2016:

Earlier this week, the country I call home elected as its next president a man who–

Way to go, assholes.

9:12
Colleen Wolfe and Laura Rutledge join us to announce the upcoming schedule announcement date. Eisen: “I know what I’m doing May 14.” I do too, Rich, because I’m getting a goddamn colonoscopy.

[Awful Announcing: “The 2025 NFL Draft was paused for an announcement about the NFL schedule announcement”:

Could this not have been an email? A press release? A tweet? Now, we need not one but two people to tell us the specific date for a schedule reveal. This may be the crown jewel of NFL self-indulgence.

Miralax envies such brand recognition.]

9:26
I can’t imagine they’ll rush back to Green Bay to host another tentpole event anytime soon. This crowd is drunk on cheese and ready to pass out on the toilet—even glory(hole) hog Jerry Jones is trying to speed things up.

9:28
Tyler Booker and the Cowboys win the night. Metallica-style BOOK necklace? Come on.

9:35
“I’d file bankruptcy for pretzel crust.” Trump is doing Little Caesar’s commercials now? Easy, champ!

9:36
Kenneth Grant to Miami with a low-bandwidth FAMCAM.

9:38
The Colts cheerleaders have to be called the Mares, right? Or the Whore-shrews. Mares or Whore-shrews.

9:46
How are we not even halfway through this thing? I can’t wait for the day when the Falcons own the twenty-eighth pick.

[Awful Announcing again, this time on ESPN self-importance:

ESPN exec: Tipping NFL Draft picks “doesn’t take that much skill”
“The tipping picks thing, it doesn’t take that much skill for a reporter nowadays to find out who’s being drafted ahead of the TV broadcast,” [ESPN executive producer Seth] Markman told The Athletic ahead of the 2025 NFL Draft. “Teams make their picks before they’re announced by the commissioner. All the other teams in the league have to find out who that pick is so they can proceed with the draft. It only takes one person in one building around the NFL to text a reporter what the pick is. Our fans constantly have told us they want to hear from the commissioner. […] Those people that are tipping picks, they’re not Edward R. Murrow Award-winning reporters for getting scoops.”

This is a constant issue during PU’s draft shows, with people bitching about tipped picks ruining the experience. Look, do you want to know who got drafted or not? Fred, Paul, Evan and Mike are openly following shit on Twitter—you think the show’s at its best when they have to pretend they don’t know what’s happening and who remains available? I realize I’m the guy who prefers to remain spoiler-free hours after a Pats game is over but this isn’t the same thing. “Our fans constantly have told us they want to hear from the commissioner”? The same fans watching NFL+ on a lag? Liar!]

9:49
Jalon Walker reminds DJ of Dont’a Hightower. Watch your mouth you Nazi! Love the Super Bowl memories though.

9:55
Three out of sixteen players taken from Michigan so far, but nothing makes Eisen happier than when someone has the same first name as someone else.

9:59
“Sweet Caroline” is the death of rock. Eisen: “It’s America’s song.” This America deserves it.

10:01
Eisen: “…as ‘Sweet Caroline’ peters out.” Yeah but does a fart really peter out?

10:10
How about this idea: teams unconditionally trade one another’s future first-round picks. For example, the Patriots offer next year’s first-rounder straight up for, say, Jacksonville’s, gambling that they will finish with a better record and the resulting later pick. Brilliant and exciting—I look forward to emailing this idea into Patriots Unfiltered and having them not read it because they’re busy tolerating bad callers. Here’s another recent email they didn’t read:

No one cares about your degenerate callers and their shitty-ass phone lines, never mind what they look like. Instead of some bullshit guessing game I vote for a conversation between Dan Shaughnessy (Fred) and Pete Carroll (Paul) regarding which current NFL players could excel in the NBA.

10:19
“Welcome back to Green Bay.” Man, am I glad I haven’t been pausing.

10:24
Camera operators who linger several seconds too long on bewildered towel-waving clowns who no longer know what to do with themselves—thank you for your service.

10:26
All of this year’s draft energy is localized entirely within players’ families’ living rooms, otherwise the broadcast is a dud.

10:29
I think that was Post Malone in that beer commercial, which must mean PJ Harvey is filming an artistic whiskey commercial at a smaller venue around the corner.

10:30
Eisen, with a straight face, just referred to Chargers fans in attendance as “the Charger faithful.”

10:32
Is there a more miserable profession than NFL insider? Rapoport drags everything even more into the mud just like Adam Schefter is undoubtedly doing over at ESPN. Saving lives one humorless tweet at a time.

10:36
Eisen gets technical by clarifying that not only are there only (only!) ten first-round picks remaining, there are only (only!) ten picks with an optional fifth contract year remaining. Can Colleen Wolfe host this sucker next year?

10:42
THE GERMAN PACKER.

10:46
I must have missed it but I imagine Eisen said something along the lines of “The pick is in, or should I say the pack is in.” Here comes team CEO Mark Murphy: “Just out of curiosity, how many of you out there are owners?” All of them, Mark! They’re all owners! That’s the joke!

10:47
This bullshit “Go Pack Go” song can eat a bowl of dick-shaped cheese and so can Desmond Howard because Never Forget.

10:48
CD: “Remember, the fans own the team.” Hilarious!

10:53
The Giants have traded back into the first round. If it’s Shedeur Sanders then I look forward to the panel losing their minds with a “Wow!”/“And there it is!”/“A Giant pick!” perfect storm.

11:01
Kurt Warner is the dullest fake Christian to ever wear that many shades of lavender.

11:08
This “early payday” Chime app sounds totally legit and not at all like it takes crippling percentages off of every transaction.

11:11
The Ravens take safety Malaki Starks. “And so it is written, and so it has now been done.” Is Eisen a Ten Commandments guy too? A golden calf!

11:16
Maybe Eisen didn’t realize the Lions cheerleaders were onscreen when he proclaimed “My goodness gracious” but I won’t hear it. Anyway, I’m done with cheerleader squad nicknames after “Whore-shrews” earlier. Shameful. (“Lionesses,” right? “Purr-ty Pussies”?)

11:23
Watching Washington’s draft room, I can’t wait to hear Fred go on about “We got our guy!” tomorrow. Rog’s pregnant pause between “Josh Conerly” and “Junior” must have given Josh Conerly Senior a brief moment of hope—the Ministry of Magic better watch their backs.

11:30
I wonder who will be coaching new Bills cornerback Maxwell Hairston in 2026? Because Sean McDermott should get run out of town on a rail if they don’t make it to the Super Bowl.

11:39
The Eagles draft Jihaad Campbell and the headlines write themselves. Tomorrow night it’s Battery McSantaclaus or bust.

11:44
Eisen responds with a toneless “There you go” after the Chiefs take Ohio State tackle Josh Simmons, then mumbles something about how he doesn’t have to change his color scheme all that much. Moses improvised better than this guy.

11:47
Eisen begins his wrap-up by explaining that people are walking out to the parking lot and that’s the evening in a nutshell. To be fair, I don’t know how to finish this either.

[“Handy” Bob Kraft: “Did someone say finish?”

Mike Vrabel: I’m gonna let you talk to Mr. Kraft, our owner, OK?

Campbell: Yes sir.

“Handy” Bob: Will!

Campbell: What’s goin’ on?

“Handy” Bob: Hey, congratulations.

Campbell: Thank you.

“Handy” Bob: We’re excited to have you.

Campbell: I’m excited to be there.

“Handy” Bob: Yeah. We’re gonna– you’re gonna… hopefully help us to… strengthen that offense.

Patriots.com Video Editor: Oh my god this is brutal. I can’t use any of it.

[Scene missing.]

“Handy” Bob: And, uh, I look forward to meeting you in person.

Campbell: Yes sir, thank you, I appreciate it.

“Handy” Bob: Alright, you be well.

Campbell: Alright, yes sir.

Editor: Fucking hell.

Someone needs another napkin.]

Up next: A Friday’s worth of Mike Dussault failing to convince me the future is bright. Cheers!