The game: Patriots at Jaguars
The beer: Notch Tmavý Czech Dark Lager
The result: Loss, 35–6
The record: 1–2
The headline: “Don’t make me show you what the MAC do.” – DMX, “Get at Me Dog”
The commentary: Remember Ice Cube, with is MAC-10s and his shitting bitches? That was as good as it got with Mac Jones, playoff berth or no. What a goddamn waste of a “MAC-10” nickname opportunity. Anyway, years later—though not so long as it seems—Drake Maye emerges and chooses to wear number ten when fourteen was right there for the taking, allowing kids and pathetic adults throughout New England to further customize their insanely expensive “authentic” JONMAYES jerseys with Sharpies and Duck Tape. Eventually—last season—new nickname potential emerged.
Drake Maye, number ten: DMX. Holy fucking shit, guys.
All last season I waited to drop a DMX song, waited for the right moment. Donna Summer… Thin Lizzy… fucking Tad… it would be soon.
Hubris reigned, and I decided to reserve DMX and “DMX” for—yes—a Super Bowl LX championship. Of course! Yes! Pow! Only… why couldn’t there be love? Drag.
No worries, though, right? Maye and the team would be back better than ever after, um, losing their two most reliable offensive weapons on purpose. Reminds me of what I shouted following old friend Jakobi Meyers’s touchdown reception in the second quarter: “Thanks, Bill.” But the perfect DMX lyric, the perfect cap to a Spotify playlist tracking season-long dominance, was just waiting for me.
Yes, but whose dominance? Earl Simmons—RIP—what hast thou wrought?? “Don’t make me show you what the MAC do”… Dat’s Mostcertainlynot Xenial! It’s rude, man! We all saw what the original MAC do in real time and remember it well, then Sunday brought awful visions of an MVP runner-up doing his best impression of what the MAC do (did). Must you rap about it so soon, twenty-eight years ago?
Who knows, maybe Maye reclaims “DMX” after turning things around and finishing strong. I mean, 2025 NFL Assistant Coach of the Year Josh McDaniels is offense-coordinating super-genius, right?
[Pats at midfield during their second drive.]
Adam Archuleta: This has always been the place where McDaniels, right around this forty yard line, always seems to have a trick up his sleeve.
Josh McDaniels, apparently: Tell TreVeyon to run it up the middle for four yards.]
Is that so, Adam?
[Pats in Jacksonville territory during the opening drive of the third quarter.]
Archuleta: Again, right around this forty, thirty-five, forty yard line is where McDaniels–
Head referee Alex Kemp: [Announces false start penalty on the Patriots.]
Archuleta: –really likes to get creative and take his shots.
[Two plays later.]
Archuleta: I would watch for something sneaky here with the extra O-lineman.
McDaniels, apparently: Tell Rhamondre to run it up the middle for four yards.]
Etc. I love when you can figure out exactly what the main talking point was during the previous evening’s CBS production meeting and the guys in the booth are incapable of changing tack—I mean, by this point the Pats were marching toward a missed field goal and, by the end of it all, six points. Spent coffee grounds are better improvisers.
This Week’s Sign the Buffalo Bills Are Fucking Toast! is the backhand-est of backhanded compliments ahead of Sunday’s game:
Patriots vs. Bills Friday injury report: Christian Gonzalez, Christian Barmore out for week four
[…] But interior backup Ben Brown is in line to start at right guard at Highmark Stadium after August signing Greg Van Roten joined incumbent Mike Onwenu on injured reserve.
If the Bills win by thirty then big deal, they beat up on a middling, injury-riddled also-ran, and should have won by more. And if the Bills lose? And if the Bills lose! Fucking toast.
Up next: Holy fucking shit, guys. Cheers!
