Open to work: “What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?”

The game: Patriots vs. Seahawks
The beer: Brick & Feather (A) Small Group of Reasonable People English Style Mild Ale
The result: Fuuuuuuck
The playoffs: Fuuuuuuck
The headline: “Treat me like a brand new toy that you have found.” – Dee Edwards, “Why Can’t There Be Love”

The commentary: I forget how this works. So… why not stick to what I’ve done all season? Guardian Party Pack: hit me!

Super Bowl 2026 predictions: Picks for Seahawks vs. Patriots, MVP, score and winners
Sunday, February 8, 2026

Save postmortem coverage for the creamy aftermath, amiright?

Will Drake Maye lead New England into a new era of championships? Or will the Seahawks get revenge eleven years in the making? Our writers give their verdicts.

No. Yes. Bastards!

What the Patriots need to do to win
Oliver “Ollie” Connolly: Pressure Sam Darnold.

Andrew Lawrence: Get to Darnold early and often.

David Lengel: Transform the Seahawks QB into the Sam of Jets past.

Reordering this a bit to group three similar statements. The Pats came so goddamn close and really were (undeservedly) in the game up until Uchenna Nwosu (Jr.)’s fourth-quarter pick-six—before that, had the defense been slightly more effective with their pass rush, a Darnold fumble or interception was there for the taking. He was shaky enough that I’m still surprised it never came.

Melissa Jacobs: Keep Jaxon Smith‑Njigba in check.

Four catches for twenty-seven yards—great?

Graham “Oh So English” Searles: Stop running back Kenneth Walker (III).

My man Ollie earned his nickname earlier this season after I discovered the Guardian covers the NFL in impressive, charming fashion; Searles’s came during a recent gang war as the name “Graham Searles” demanded nothing else. I say! Thus, I hope to assign Jacobs, Lawrence and Lengel nicknames by the end of this post. Try to keep still, team! Anyway, yeah, Searles fucking nailed it here with Walker. Drag.

What the Seahawks need to do to win
Ollie: Limit explosive plays.

The Seahawks’ defense is legit and won the game outright. However… well, I’ll get to it.

Jacobs: Darnold needs to replicate his NFC championship game performance.

He didn’t and, frankly, wasn’t capable. What a wasted opportunity for the good guys.

Lawrence: Stick with the offensive gameplan that brought them to the dance.

Andrew Lawrence, you are “The Dance.”

Lengel: Take away Maye’s backfield security blanket.

Maye’s security blanket was supposed to be scrambling to his right and pinpointing big gains to Boutte, Diggs and Hollins down the sideline. (Deep breaths.)

Oh So English: Keep Maye’s running locked down.

Should this instead be filed under “How McDaniels needs to fail for the Seahawks to win?” We’re building up to something.

Key player for the Patriots
Ollie: Milton Williams.

Sure, but Williams was never going to catch eight balls for a hundred fifty yards.

Jacobs: Drake Maye.

This was the correct answer and it’s not close.

The Dance: Kayshon Boutte.

“Look for TreVeyon Henderson, Hunter Henry and Kayshon Boutte to have nice games.” Maybe the Guardian is hiring?

Lengel: Christian Gonzalez.

Lengel saw it coming: the Seahawks approach fifty points without Gonzalez’s performance.

Oh So English: Mike Onwenu.

The right guard? The least important position on the offensive line? Oh, so English!

Ollie: Key player for the Seahawks
Ollie: Kenneth Walker (III).

Fuuuuuuck.

Jacobs: Byron Murphy (II).

“In the Super Bowl win against the New England Patriots, he recorded two sacks and one fumble recovery.” Jacobs is bringing it.

The Dance: Rashid Shaheed.

I wanted Shaheed at the trade deadline but: meh.

Lengel/Oh So English: Jaxon Smith‑Njigba.

JSN is universally regarded as a top-three receiver in the league so I’ll assume the Patriots’ general success against him opened things up for Walker, Cooper Kupp and AJ Barner. This is why any idiot Patriots fan who claims it’s better to forgo a true “WR1” should be shot into space.

The coaching edge goes to…
Ollie: The Patriots—just.

Jacobs: The Patriots, especially McDaniels, thanks to his extensive experience.

The Dance: The team with the three-time Super Bowl champion linebacker and a six-time Super Bowl champion offensive coordinator.

Lengel: Look at what Mike Vrabel did in just one season.

Oh So English: The Patriots’ only clear edge lies in their more experienced coaches.

It’s time. You see, McDaniels with his (ahem) six rings is the reason we lost (clarification: the Seahawks are the reason they won) success outside of Tom Brady remains as elusive as ever. Dynamic, mobile quarterback behind a shaky offensive line? Sure, keep him in the pocket and don’t remind them that, hey, the pass rush is getting there every time so get rid of the ball in under four seconds. I’m not saying I have a FIRE MCDANIELS tag in WordPress development—“we brought back fucking Josh McDaniels because he (ahem) contributed to Brady’s success?”—but I’m consistent a year later, right down to clearing my throat. What do I know, I didn’t get run out of Denver and Oakland.

One bold prediction
Ollie: Vrabel will create a rules controversy.

He’s on the competition committee now. Long con.

Jacobs: A kicker will win MVP.

And “Yellow Card” is born! The institution of professional (American) football would have pulled her credentials should a kicker have been the face of the victory.

The Dance: The infamous Levi’s Stadium turf monster strikes Darnold, interrupting an otherwise flawless performance from the quarterback, and the Patriots scoop and score because they have all the luck.

Spoken like someone who was once stood up by Vrabel and forced to attend the school dance by himself before, ironically, being labeled “The Dance” years later by some bloggo with zero readers.

Lengel: I’m going with a player who is on the sideline tripping an opponent, confusing officials and leading to a lengthy delay as the refs figure out how to deal with it.

Lawrence was already looking to change his nickname to “Run-On” and then Lengel grabbed it with both hands. Props, though, for this outlandish sentence.

Which of these teams is most likely to be here next year?
Entire panel: The Patriots.

Indeed, the consensus—excepting Cam Newton, whose second Google result is a story (no links to bullshit Fox News) detailing his belief that “women’s value gets lowered the more children that they have”—is that Maye and the Patriots are ahead of schedule, having taken advantage of an objectively easy schedule and convenient down years by the Chiefs, Ravens and Bills. I agree with all of that… but this is a fucked-up league and anything can happen. Well, except for the Bills having a meaningful postseason. See you in second place again next year, losers.

The final score will be…

Guardian-editorial-style scores incoming!

Ollie: Seahawks 27–24 Patriots.

Yellow Card: Seahawks. By a lot.

The Dance: Seahawks 27–17 Patriots.

Run-On: Seahawks 17–27 Patriots.

Oh So English: Seahawks 31–32 Patriots.

Come on, Yellow Card. You’ll get banned. From the Patriots (Unfiltered) Pregame Show. With this. Lack. Of precision. She did call it, though, because the game wasn’t as close as the score, even if two or three plays might have been enough.

The Pats now have more Super Bowl losses than any team in history and Heed the Call’s Dan Hanzus couldn’t be happier—he prefers his Jets’ 1–0 record against the Pats’ 6–6 because, I don’t know, it’s better to miss the playoffs and whiff on draft picks. (Darnold says hi.)

“What is the biggest challenge you will face in the next six months?” Aside from, you know, looking for a full-time job (thanks again, pedo), I think we can anticipate six months of clickbait “Their schedule was too easy!”/“They’ll never make it back!” discourse—this is where ignoring sports talk radio is to one’s advantage. (Also worth ignoring: tonight’s State of the Death Watch Union. I’ll get more honesty from a Traitors rerun.) Thirty teams would trade places with the 2026/2027/XVII Patriots and anyone who disagrees just broke his back in a suburban Buffalo parking lot. This shit ain’t over.

Up next: The Rolling Stones’ fourth album is considered by music scholars to be an artistic breakthrough. Cheers!