The game: Browns at Patriots
The beer: Fat Orange Cat Pumpkin Spice Latte Oatmeal Stout
The result: Win, 32–13
The record: 6–2
The headline: “I see your number, it’s a flashing sign.” – Ty Segall, “Who Are You”

The commentary: New England football is back and so too is Idiot Patriots Fandom, the kind where people shout at you for suggesting there may be—suggesting! may be!—better NFL quarterbacks than Sir Drake Lee Maye. (Red flag: southern white man has “Lee” for a middle name.) Many of these idiots are equally upset that the team is no longer “choosing to be introduced as a team” because, what, individual recognition would have sapped Tom Brady’s talent? Gimme a break.

(Speaking of middle names, is it too early to be excited about Terrell “We Got Our Guy” Jennings? Seven garbage-time carries for thirty-three yards, averaging one better than I’d wished for—deep breaths, with Rhamondre “Punch That Shit Out” Stevenson sitting today. Idiocy is contagious.)

Ridiculous team policies, public distractions and casual racism… how about the former guy echoing the once and future former guy?

Bill Belichick refutes “garbage” reports: “As Trump would say, fake news”

Oh brother.

[…] There have also been reports that Belichick’s tumultuous rookie season led him to already discussing a buyout with UNC. Belichick, however, has maintained those reports are false. And during his Tuesday press conference, the rookie college coach was asked whether the team has appeared different since he reaffirmed his commitment to the program.

Let me guess, he smugly disregarded the premise before rambling about Syracuse’s special teams for five minutes.

“Whoever that story came from, obviously it’s already been taken down and everything else,” a stone-faced Belichick said. “It’s just total– as Trump would say, fake news. It’s just, I don’t know, it’s just a novel.”

Everything I’ve ever hated about him, Brady and “Handy” Bob Kraft is laid bare—sure, just find an excuse to quote the Christofascist Victim in Chief during a college football press conference. Totally relatable in today’s America. Also: I think this means Jordon Hudson must be working on a novel of her own titled, I don’t know, Old Digger.

[…] The initial report that Belichick was discussing buyout options with North Carolina came from the Guardian’s Ollie Connolly…

My man! Wait, “Ollie”? Pip-pip!

…and it has not been taken down.

Deny, disparage, lie—welcome to MAGA 101, and I no longer wonder why I’ve rooted against you since December. Here, then, are the facts—your facts, fruit loop—updated since the preseason:

Bill Belichick draft picks (through 2023) still with the Patriots
Round | Overall | Player | Status
2020 2 37 Kyle Dugger (S) Traded
3 87 Anfernee Jennings (LB) Depth
6 182 Michael Onwenu (G) Starter
2021 2 38 Christian Barmore (DT) Starter
4 120 Rhamondre Stevenson (RB) Starter
2022 3 85 Marcus Jones (CB) Starter
2023 1 17 Christian Gonzalez (CB) Starter
2 46 Keion White (DE) Traded
3 76 Marte Mapu (DB/LB) Depth
6 187 Kayshon Boutte (WR) Starter
6 192 Bryce Baringer (P) Special teams
6 210 DeMario Douglas (WR) Starter

Your legacy is that of a shovel. For good measure, so I can again justify posthumous “Fire Belichick” and “Fire Mayo” labels for the fun of it while preparing “Fire Wolf” ahead of the offseason:

Jerod Mayo draft picks still with the Patriots
Round | Overall | Player | Status
2024 1 3 Drake Maye (QB) Starter
2 37 Ja’Lynn Polk (WR) Traded
3 68 Caedan Wallace (OL) Depth
6 192 Layden Robinson (G) Waived
6 210 Marcellas Dial (Jr.) (DB) Injured reserve

Jesus Christ, Jerod, way to back into an MVP quarterback. Reports of your disappearance are unreported.

Up next: If you’re not predicting a 28–3 Patriots victory then I don’t know what to tell you, loser. Happy belated Halloween!