At Bills: “When was the first time you really felt like a grown-up (if ever)?”

The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Corner Point Down the Hatch Amber Ale
The result: Win, 23–20
The record: 3–2
The headline: “It tickle me down to my toe-oes!” – The Velvet Underground, “White Light/White Heat”

The commentary: I’m a longtime fuckin adult, alright. But how’s about our boy man Drake Maye taking down AFC East royalty in a sea of white(s)? It looked great on TV even with RGB noise.

Beating the Bills will never get old, especially when they’re the better team—and especially when (following Rhamondre Stevenson’s second touchdown) I say out loud to no one “Sure, he’s great when no one touches him.” Oh, have mercy! And according to internet colleague Oliver Connolly from the Guardian—a publication that will never bore me when listing the visiting team’s score first even if they lose, e.g., “Miami Dolphins 24–27 Carolina Panthers”—Maye is on the (qualified) short list of future Most Valuable Player candidates. Come one, Oliver, are you from Malden or something?

Darnold, Mayfield and Sagapolutele: who will be the NFL’s next first-time MVP?

Two retreads and a college player. Illustrious company!

Patrick Mahomes, Lamar Jackson and Josh Allen have formed an axis of excellence. But which player will break that cycle?

“Axis of excellence” is just evil-sounding enough for me to get behind. They probably all voted for Trump anyway.

Sam Darnold, Seattle Seahawks
It’s no longer a joke […]

Har! Har!

Baker Mayfield, Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Speaking of redemption arcs […]

A+ on these damn commentaries so far.

Jayden Daniels, Washington Commanders
[…] The surest player from his vaunted rookie class to win in the next three years.

Come on, Oliver, we had something going here.

Justin Herbert, Los Angeles Chargers
It was all going so well for Herbert and the Chargers […]

Evergreen analysis alert!

Travis Hunter, Jacksonville Jaguars
The MVP is a quarterback award […]

Yeah, what gives?

Drake Maye, New England Patriots
Maye burst into the national spotlight with his performance on the road in Buffalo on Sunday. But he has been steadily putting together an MVP campaign all season.

Hoo boy. You are from Malden. Let’s preserve the whole entry.

The Patriots are fourth in the league in passing efficiency this year. A lot of that has to do with the return of Josh McDaniels.

For the record, I was against bringing McDaniels back. Vrabel too. (Mayo too.)

The offensive coordinator has schemed up wide-open receivers all over the place. But it also speaks to Maye’s development. He’s cut down his brain-farts-per-game from four to two. He’s mastering the easy things.

These are some short-ass sentences even with “brain-farts-per-game” crammed in there.

And when the offense falls apart and he’s asked to create on his own, he looks like a mini Josh Allen.

Maybe, but that falling-down throw was Mahomes all over.

The advanced data…

(Shudder.)

…paints him as the fourth-most valuable quarterback in the league this season. And it’s hard to disagree. His accuracy has improved. He doesn’t throw interceptions.

I have to say, this isn’t a compelling argument so far. Maye’s VORP sounds about zero right now. Jesus Christ, now I’m doing it.

He can rip it to all parts of the field…

All starting quarterbacks should be able to do this.

…and he is a legitimate dual-threat. Oh, and he’s doing it with a so-so offensive line, a crop of running backs who continually fumble and a blah batch of receivers outside Stefon Diggs.

Now we’re talking! Still, if I hadn’t seen him in the last two games, as a typical Guardian reader I would be all “I say, old chap, such kerfuffle over nothing whatever. By god!”

This year may be a season too early.

Fast-forward to October 2026 when the world is in flames.

But the Patriots should make the playoffs, given their start and upcoming schedule.

It’s remarkable how unsettled the AFC is this season.

As they continue to add talent, Maye’s chances will grow.

So long as the next Tyquan Thornton or Ja’Lynn Polk isn’t on the board, amiright Eliot?

MVP likelihood: 6/10. He’s working on the Allen timeline.

If this were Pitchfork Maye would have gotten a 5.9 or a 6.3 or some bullshit. Lastly:

Jaron-Keawe Sagapolutele, [University of California]
[…] Sagapolutele will not be eligible to enter the draft until 2028 […]

Vote Guardian for Congress 2026! Elsewhere in the news, Daily Kos opines:

Hey conservatives: you don’t own country music

Motherfuckers can have it.

Up next: Drake Maye faces another second-year quarterback in Spencer “Rattler”… wait, that’s his real name? Cheers!