I get Evens: “How do you relax?”

The beer: Goodfire Watt Pale Ale
The headline: “Why would they fold up something so precious?” – Evens, “Cut From the Cloth”

The commentary: Here’s another, since I continue to ask so many questions: what do followers of, say, twenty-five teams do to get pumped for a new season? What are Bengals fans doing, Chargers fans, Vikings fans… what documented legacy do they have to enjoy? For example, I’ve started watching The Dynasty a good nineteen months late, a good four-plus years after reading Jeff Benedict’s based-on-the-book book, and all I can think about is how the Patriots didn’t win enough. (I know Tedy Bruschi wore number fifty-four, not fifty-three, but Chris Slade wasn’t available to interview. Dennis Hopper weeps.) Four episodes in: Eli Manning was sacked! Six episodes to go: more winning, but more unrealized potential in refusing to play Malcolm Butler in LII… alienating Tom Brady after LIII… declaring Matt Patricia an offensive coordinator… not to mention Belichick’s draft and personnel missteps along the way.

Also, why does every non-player in these sit-down interviews look like an AI substitution? Scott Piolo appears to be made of plastic—something in his eyes, like if you didn’t see his eyebrows you would swear he didn’t have any. Distracting and weird. It passes the time, anyway, just as the behind-the-scenes Forged in Foxborough will eventually (haven’t yet fired up the YouTube machine for that one), and the many in-house podcast series revisiting Super Bowl seasons past, and the Three Games to Glory Blu-ray sets I never even opened, media (the input/output kind, not the scorned J‑schoolers kind) that collectively underscores Belichick’s hubris to shackle us with only six titles. I was openly rooting against him in Monday’s uh-oh blowout—why?? Why do I roll my eyes at claims that The Dynasty minimizes his contributions to the team’s success? Am I one of those fans who dismisses players and coaches once they leave the team? Or have I been yelling at his bullshit since he dumped Deion Branch and David Givens in 2006? How do I relax?? Remember this! How’s about a fuckin update??

Bill Belichick draft picks (through 2023) still with the Patriots
Round | Overall | Player | Status
2020 2 37 Kyle Dugger (S) Depth
3 87 Anfernee Jennings (LB) Depth
6 182 Michael Onwenu (G) Starter
2021 2 38 Christian Barmore (DT) Starter
4 120 Rhamondre Stevenson (RB) Starter
2022 3 85 Marcus Jones (CB) Starter
2023 1 17 Christian Gonzalez (CB) Starter
2 46 Keion White (DE) Depth
3 76 Marte Mapu (DB/LB) Depth
6 187 Kayshon Boutte (WR) Starter
6 192 Bryce Baringer (P) Special teams
6 210 DeMario Douglas (WR) Starter

No one—no one—Belichick drafted before 2020 remains. No one! I won’t even look but this has to be rare across the league. As for 2020 itself, Dugger and Jennings seemed to have made the roster by default after no one consummated a trade for them. I like Jennings for some reason but Dugger has too many advanced degrees from Devin McCourty’s School of Get-the-Fuck-Back-Already. Onwenu, meanwhile, picked the wrong time to have a down year, after Jerod Mayo realized that when you have a chance to lock up your right guard you’d better hurry (and overpay). Thanks, Jerod.

From 2021, Barmore signed an extension and then missed a bunch of time due to blood clots. (I still like him.) Stevenson also signed an extension and then missed a bunch of opportunities to not fumble. (Get him out of here.) Fin.

I’m still waiting on the data from 2022. That’s the only explanation. The data has come in and, whoops, I left out Marcus Jones. Defense and special teams—he plays two thirds of every game!

But hey, look at 2023’s haul! Six players out of twelve (!) remain, including three out of four sixth-rounders, which is the perfect way for Belichick to go out. Don’t give him too much credit, though—Gonzalez fell into his lap after they decided he wasn’t good enough to take at fourteen and traded down to seventeen; which is another perfect way for Belichick to go out. (Truthfully, this is a good class—Boutte and Douglas are top-four receivers on this team even if the group was stacked crowded. Truthfully, too, Mike Vrabel has no idea what to do with White and Mapu.)

Going further back, the hit rate isn’t limited to those still on the team. Some endure elsewhere, including a couple (Joe Thuney and Ted Karras) that would improve the current roster, though the point of drafting and developing players isn’t to part ways with them by mistake. Anyway, who else is even good? Jimmy Garoppolo? Hjalte Froholdt? What are we doing?

This is just fucking great.

Belichick’s great picks from 2010 to 2023
Year | Round | Overall | Player
2010 1 27 Devin McCourty (DB)
2010 2 42 Rob Gronkowski (TE)
2012 1 25 Dont’a Hightower (LB)
2014 4 130 James White (RB)
2016 3 78 Joe Thuney (G)
2021 2 38 Christian Barmore (DT)
2023 1 17 Christian Gonzalez (CB)

This is what it comes down to, right? And look at me, I’m a McCourty hater and still recognize he belongs here—you’re welcome—but I’m not sure Barmore (long-term health concerns?) and Gonzalez (injury-prone?) have yet earned it. Big picture, though: close your eyes for a minute and look at the list afresh. It spans fourteen drafts and a hundred twenty-seven selections, including twelve first-rounders and another thirty-nine in the second and third.

Are you focused on the list? Do you see the four-year void?

Talent evaluation is an imperfect science, for sure, but the supposed genius who doesn’t get enough credit for the Patriots dynasty committed the team’s future to seven—seven! generously!—great players in fourteen years. (Honestly, only Gronk, Hightower and Thuney are automatic, and Gronk is the lone Hall of Famer.) This is why we’re here, why Brady left in a huff, why Mayo was handed a pile of shit and destined to fail, why Vrabel turned over so much of the roster and will finish the job next offseason. It won’t be Spygate or his disregard for the media or his pro-fascist political leanings or whatever shakes out in Chapel Hill that tarnishes Belichick’s legacy. It will be his own failure to put Brady in the best position to succeed and, post-Brady, to set the team up for sustainable success. He’s lucky Brady was so goddamn good enough to win in spite of it all.

Deep breaths. Relax. Onward to a new administration and equal-opportunity doom:

Jerod Mayo draft picks still with the Patriots
Round | Overall | Player | Status
2024 1 3 Drake Maye (QB) Starter
2 37 Ja’Lynn Polk (WR) Injured reserve
3 68 Caedan Wallace (OL) Depth
6 192 Layden Robinson (G) Injured reserve
6 210 Marcellas Dial (Jr.) (DB) Injured reserve

Whelp. Mayo gets no credit for the third overall pick—whether or not Maye becomes an elite quarterback for the next decade, an eyebrow-less Pioli drenched in PCP could have made it without breaking a sweat. The only creativity necessary would have involved a trade up to get Caleb Williams (ummm) or Jayden Daniels (rats). Polk postponed the inevitable and Robinson might have too—I anticipate injury settlements and releases in their futures. We’ll see if Wallace sticks around but there had to be better players in the third round, right? Dial got injured the day we visited training camp and that sucks. Maybe next year.

Will Vrabel be subject to the same redheaded-table scrutiny then? You bet your ass! Nine of his eleven (!) are on the fifty-three-man roster for now, with the last two on the practice squad. Impressive talent evaluation? Unreliable pig lipstick? Skulking Eliot Wolf? Bring on the Raiders! And queue up America’s Team!

Up next: Pete Carroll and the Raiders are a Patriots match made in heaven—what, exponentially, will go badly for them? Cheers!