Paging Stanley Morgan: “Name the professional athletes you respect the most and why”

The beer: Peroni Lager
The headline: “I wanna be your favorite dog, baby.” – Andre Williams, “I Wanna Be Your Favorite Pair of Pajamas”

The commentary: Today it’s “Day One” asking about respectable athletes, at training camp in early August it was G. asking “Who’s your favorite player?” “Uhhh…” And this was before my man Matthew Judon was traded—his hold-in was a bad look that rubbed me the wrong way and his departure was inevitable, but it’s too bad to have come to that. If Belichick had done anything positive since Brady’s departure then Judon would have been a key piece to hang onto, yet here we are. Drag.

Even worse, G. repeated the question last weekend as I caught up on condensed replays of three lackluster preseason games:

G: What about the guy with the red sleeves?

Me: Well, he got traded a couple of weeks ago.

G: Oh no!

Oh no! Let’s examine the roster.

Quarterbacks
Jacoby Brissett
Drake Maye
Joe Milton (III)

“Jacoby Brissett didn’t make any mistakes and that’s all you could hope for under the circumstances.” My man’s been through the wringer—I and others have rooted for him since the weird Phillip Dorsett trade—and here we remain, with him as a temporary (?) starter in place of someone more talented. I hope he does well but the long-term success of this team depends on Drake Maye earning a promotion and making Mac Jones’s decent rookie season seem quaint in comparison. And Joe Milton? And Joe Milton! Easy to spot from the hill at training camp even though he didn’t reward us with backflips. Come week five, if one of my top Patriots isn’t a quarterback then three or four wins will be a pipe dream.

Offensive linemen
David Andrews
Demontrey Jacobs
Nick Leverett
Vederian Lowe
Chukwuma Okorafor
Mike Onwenu
Layden Robinson
Sidy Sow
Zach Thomas
Caedan Wallace

Holy shit we’re fucked. Andrews is considered the best of this group and his play slipped badly last season. Then they re-sign Onwenu to a new deal because when you have a chance to lock up your right guard you’d better hurry. Fuck. Fucked.

Running backs
Antonio Gibson
JaMycal Hasty
Rhamondre Stevenson

I like Stevenson, sure, but what good is a strong running game in twenty-first-century professional football? “Establishing a strong run game sounds like one of the priorities of newly hired offensive coordinator Alex Van Pelt.” That’s just great.

Wide receivers
Javon Baker
Kayshon Boutte
DeMario Douglas
KJ Osborn
Ja’Lynn Polk
Tyquan Thornton

Javon Baker is destined to be inactive tomorrow but I already like him for his “Come on, bro, you work for me” takedown of a broken police system. I guess it’d be alright were he assaulting officers during a Trump-fueled rampage. I’m not familiar with his or fellow rookie Polk’s actual play—the downside of condensed rebroadcasts—but I’m at least excited to find out. Elsewhere, “Pop” Douglas should have another B+ season, Osborn looks legit and Thornton’s “improvement” was the talk of the summer. I didn’t fall for it last year and I’m not going to now. Patriots fans are idiots.

Tight ends
Jaheim Bell
Hunter Henry
Austin Hooper

Henry had six touchdowns last year? Really? Rookie Bell might be OK but Hooper drives the boat, chief.

Defensive linemen
Daniel Ekuale
Davon Godchaux
Eric Johnson (II)
Jeremiah Pharms (Jr.)
Keion White
Deatrich Wise (Jr.)

Finally, let’s talk defense! Local fans and media basically compare last year’s squad to the ’85 Bears—what can go wrong? Anyway, above are your defense tackles and defensive ends and they sure don’t remind me of Richard Seymour, Vince Wilfork, Ty Warren and Jarvis Green. White shows promise—remember how mad he looked when he got drafted?—but he won’t dent Judon’s production.

Linebackers
Ja’Whaun Bentley
Christian Elliss
Curtis Jacobs
Anfernee Jennings
Raekwon McMillan
Jahlani Tavai
Josh Joshua Uche
Oshane Ximines

I noticed Jennings and Tavai as much as anyone on defense last year. Meanwhile, Uche de-Josh’d himself, signed a new contract, fired his agent and pouted over said contract. Oh, Joshua. Ximines has gotten a lot of buzz on Patriots Unfiltered, or at least the pronunciation of his name has—X-Clan’s already warming up for the playlist.

Defensive backs
Alex Austin
Marcellas Dial (Jr.)
Kyle Dugger
Christian Gonzalez
Jaylinn Hawkins
Jonathan Jones
Marcus Jones
Jabrill Peppers
Dell Pettus
Brenden Schooler
Marco Wilson

A fairly sexy group—Gonzalez is the answer I eventually gave to G’s question, but even he lasted only a month last season. Hopefully his isn’t a go-directly-to-free-safety career à la Devin McCourty. Dugger is really very quite pretty good? The Jones boys might as well be Darrell Green and Everson Walls to people around here. I mean, Jesus. Schooler is a total knucklehead so proficient at committing personal fouls that he earned the team’s Ron Burton Community Service Award in the offseason.

Special teamers
Bryce Baringer
Joe Cardona
Joey Slye

They got rid of the kicker who had the gall to wear Rodney Harrison’s thirty-seven, otherwise who cares. Now for your varieties of “Reserved” players.

Physically Unable to Perform Kendrick Bourne (WR), Cole Strange (OL), Sione Takitaki (LB)

Non-Football Injury Christian Barmore (DL)

Injured—Designated for Return Marte Mapu (S)

Injured (out for season) Jake Andrews (OL), JaQuae Jackson (WR), Armon Watts (DT)

“Toy Store”! He and Barmore might be my top two, which spells disaster in the near term. Barmore’s non-football blood clots likely rule him out for good. Nevertheless…

“Who’s your favorite player?”
Christian Gonzalez
Christian Barmore
Kendrick “Toy Store” Bourne
Rhamondre Stevenson
Drake Maye?

“Name the professional athletes you respect the most”
Jacoby Brissett
Javon Baker
Keion White
Tom Brady
Kevin McHale?

Up next: Ja’Marr Chase questionable versus Patriots. Cheers!