Week one
The game: Patriots at Bills
The beer: Samuel Smith Nut Brown Ale
The result: Win, 23–21; Bengals/Jarrod lose, 24–21
The commentary: Longtime readers (!) might recall this whole “beer and football” thing I started years ago when an innocent, shockingly handsome thirty-something guy got drunk on Samuel Smith pints each autumn Sunday in the People’s Republic. I drank any variety I could find during every single game of the 2007/2008 season, otherwise known as “16–0,” and we all remember what happened. Later efforts were equally unsatisfying. So where do I get off opening the season with a classic, the first of theirs I’d ever had, the Nut Brown Ale that is fated to doom the season? Ask me in December.

Is it me or was this the week of the safety? I mean the two-point play, not the defensive position—I didn’t hear McCourty’s name all game. I paid more attention to the score crawl than usual for reasons I’ll get to in a minute, but it seemed like every other team had two points or five points. (Funny thing about two-point plays is that G. is now two years old. Fate! Alas, she’ll likely—when all goes well—nap through one o’clock games this season.) Just a strange observation, or rather an astute observation of a strange thing, without a single hackneyed Pro Football Talk headline in sight.

It’s week one and it’s a win. Everyone around here is totally freaking out because the Pats didn’t win by two touchdowns. The game was a lot closer than I expected it to be but I was never worried, even when the Bills had the lead and the ball with six minutes left. In a related note, I’d feel encouraged if I were a Bills fan. (Shudder.) Manuel looked pretty good and held up alright during his first pro game. They put some decent pressure on Brady a lot of the day. Their tight end didn’t murder anyone. We’ll see in a few hours what the Jets look like but I’ll be surprised if the Bills finish below them at the end of the year. (Only if Marrone isn’t so trigger happy with the challenge flag—I’m impressed he didn’t contest Ridley’s lost fumble so that’s a step in the right direction.)

About that crawl: on Friday a work friend asked if I wanted to participate in a “suicide fantasy league.” When I told him I had no idea what that was he clarified that it was a simple knockout pool. “I’m in!” Ten bucks, Bengals over Bears. Rats. Later on, when I explained to A. that Jay Cutler lost us ten bucks, I went on a rant about how fantasy football and the Red Zone Channel exist merely to reward people who aren’t actually football fans. What’s the point of being alerted that a team is about to score a touchdown if I didn’t see how they advanced that far? Why would I care how many catches Calvin Johnson has if I’m not interested in the Lions’ success or failure? Fake football fans used to watch a few minutes of Sportscenter to stay in the loop, now they spend all night coming up with clever pop-culture names for their fantasy teams. To hell with that.

Also in this category is channel four’s postgame exit poll. Escalating New England’s reputation as a part of the country that loves its overachieving white players, Captain Crazy Eyes asked “Which Patriots receiver was more clutch today: Julian Edelman or Danny Amendola?” Shane Vereen—technically a running back, but why not ask “Which Patriots player…”?—had over one hundred and fifty total yards, and (though it wasn’t yet known) it turns out he played the whole game with a broken hand, for crying out loud! Definitely to hell with them. With the whole lot of them!

Up next: The Jets visit Foxborough tonight and unveil the Super Bowl trophy they apparently won last week. Cheers!