The game: Saints at Patriots
The beer: BareWolf Quart Order Porter
The result: Loss, 28–13
The method: NFL Game Pass
The headline: “Click! Bang! What a hang.” – The Jimi Hendrix Experience, “Wait Until Tomorrow”

The commentary: What do zero-reader bloggos do when their daughters are too old to photograph for combination beer “reviews” and football “recaps”? Song lyrics! Both kinds: rock and rap. Context to come.

So this is mediocre football, and maybe less than that. Welcome to my high school years! The Patriots Unfiltered crew agreed that Mac Jones (bad game) should be the last of this fickle fanbase’s worries—who else inspires hope of winning more than six games the rest of the way? The docket:

Buccaneers Confident loss

@ Texans Toss-up loss

Cowboys Toss-up win

Jets Win

@ Chargers Confident loss

@ Panthers Toss-up loss

Browns Loss

@ Falcons Toss-up win

Titans Loss

@ Bills Confident loss

BYE WEEK Xmas Blues XII

@ Colts Toss-up win

Bills Loss

Jaguars Win

@ Dolphins Toss-up win

Harsh. By definition, my toss-ups should split evenly between wins and losses but it (over)balances with three confident losses against zero confident wins. Indeed, I think it’s more likely the team twice loses three in a row than once winning so many. Week five is the decider there and the narrative I’ve developed—failure of expected bounce-back win against the how-bad-are-they Texans; shallow Cowboys feeling too good about themselves after beating up on the Giants and playing sloppily in Foxborough; Belichick owning the Jets since the Rex Ryan era, though not enough to earn a “confident” qualifier—sets up a remaining season of ups and downs. The late bye enables two weeks of “On to 2022!” jokes before a likely (?) two-game winning streak to close things out, and that Dolphins game goes either way if Brian Flores is on the hot seat. And then? And then! Helplessness while Brady repeats.

Who on the roster prevents this scenario? Let’s check in with the players I called out while resigning myself to NFL Game Pass’s limitations at the start of the season:

Mac Jones Imperfect rookie who flashes (I like him).

James White Season-ending injury (after converting a first down, of course).

Damien Harris Terror sweat personified.

Jakobi Meyers David Givens without Deion Branch.

Nelson Agholor Frequently runs errands during games.

Jonnu Smith What are we doing?

Hunter Henry Expensive Ryan Izzo.

Kendrick Bourne Keep it going, “Toy Store” (my nickname for him).

Nick Folk Your MVP.

Matt Judon His great plays suggest there should be more plain good plays.

Stephon Gilmore Not walking through that door, maybe never.

JC Jackson Auditioning for another team to overpay him next year.

Chase Winovich Offender of dumb third-down and special-teams penalties.

Norm Macdonald There are two ways to say “Caribbean” and that was neither.

Harsh. They’re still my team and only asshole “fans” root for Tom Brady this weekend. Unfortunately, with Locast seemingly dead and buried, I might have to wait until Monday Morning Football to hear how the slumbering Foxborough crowd emphasizes his name: the celebratory “Bray-DEE! Bray-DEE!” or the derisive “Braaaady… Braaaady.” A little of both? Shudder.

Thanks to the North Shore’s own Coral Moons for covering a pretty obscure Hendrix tune at BareWolf’s Octoberfest celebration on Saturday. It really stood out against the indie-pub ennui of the rest of their set. Hendrix will do that. The porter (and, to a lesser extent, the Märzen Retrograde lager) and seafood (courtesy of the Sacred Cod food truck, serving what might be the best fish and chips in New England) eased the drop-off in performance oomph compared to the Osees a few days before. What could compare? Hawkwind in ’72? I wasn’t even born yet! Leave Coral Moons alone already. Their collected song titles read like an unpopular teenager’s cry for help. Oh, Dolly Mae.

Up next: With the one hundred ninety-ninth pick in the 2000 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots select Tom Brady, quarterback, Michigan. Cheers!