Week eleven
The game: Patriots at Falcons
The beer: Oak & Iron Inky Depths Porter
The result: Win, 25–0
The method: Live via Amazon Prime Video

Week twelve
The game: Titans at Patriots
The beer: Fore River John Henry Milk Stout
The result: Win, 36–13
The method: NFL Game Pass

The headline: “Tripped on his own feet and hit the floor. Glade got to pushin’… and rolled him out the door!” – L7, “Everglade”

The commentary: Have you seen commercials for Haven Life Insurance, with their supposed “H” logo that reads like a discarded silkscreen concept for a certain American rock band that was finally compiled this year? I’d also rate them one star just for the larceny.

Commercials are what happens when you have no patience for NFL Game Pass’s extended unavailability, and so I watched with… dozens?… of others on Amazon Prime Video as the Falcons tripped over their own feet for three hours. Talk about broken!

I was initially enthusiastic for Amazon’s coverage—in this medium, at least, I wouldn’t have to dig through hundreds of all-caps Chinese knockoffs to find the legitimate product I sought. Alongside Fox’s familiar Joe Buck/Troy Aikman flat line, Amazon provided two additional “audio tracks”: an appealing Andrea Kremer/Hannah Storm pairing and the “Prime Scouts Feed” featuring Joy Taylor, Bucky Brooks and Daniel Jeremiah. Hooray for options! A. and G. watched with me awhile so it was a no-brainer to go with Kremer and Storm, A. remarking that it was “cool” to showcase two women on the platform. I agreed—this is professional sports in the twenty-first century! Huzzah! Except…

Except! G’s gripe about football is that she doesn’t get it—she understands touchdowns and not much else, and that’s alright for now. (Poor parenting will be to blame should this continue into high school.) For that reason, I didn’t realize until they went upstairs to get ready for bed that Kremer and Storm’s coverage was, kindly, remedial in nature and packed with awkward silences. For example, at some point in the first quarter—it doesn’t matter when, because the play-by-play and analysis were consistently generic—the audience heard this examination of Belichick’s celebrated in-game strategy:

Storm: What do you think Bill is thinking?

Kremer: [Silence.] He just studies all the time.

Thanks? It’s too bad, really. I like both of them but couldn’t take it. Drag. Next up were Taylor, Brooks and Jeremiah and here is an excerpt from the single minute I tolerated:

Taylor: [Mumbled in-joke.]

Brooks & Jeremiah: [Overlapping laughter.] [Overlapping comebacks.]

Taylor: [Laughter.]

NFL action: Hello?

Then what happened? I’ll tell you what happened. Voluntary Joe Buck! I never thought it would come to this!

Excised commercials were in again for the Titans game, who might have had a chance despite injuries if they were called the Nashville Goddamn Kings. Missed opportunities are the real enemy, though Ian Eagle and Charles Davis are nearly as threatening. (Third place: Peter King, whose addiction to caffeine and U2 makes him more qualified than football lifers to judge who should and shouldn’t be in some subjective gentlemen’s club. “Of course there is no criteria for the Hall of Fame.” Is there criteria for hot air? It’s time to revive an old hit piece.)

“Tripped on his own feet and hit the floor goal post.” Twice! Those amplified doinks were, as a Patriots Postgame Show caller noted, “the sound of winning.” I’ll never doubt these fuckers again. Imagine what they could do with a better GM!

Up next: The Pats have nothing to lose and the Bills have everything. Cheers!