The game: Patriots at Jets
The beer: Riverwalk Uncle Bob’s English-Style Bitter Ale
The result: Win, 15–10
The method: NFL+
The record: 1–2
The headline: “What could it be? It’s a mirage!” – Beastie Boys, “Sabotage”

The commentary: “The Dolphins dropped seventy on the Broncos… how do you like our defense now??” For the most part, the defense hasn’t been the problem these post-Brady years, so fuck off back to Felger and Mazz already. Thirteen offensive points, even against a stout Jets defense—is that the plan? I guess it’s one way to break the coaching losses record first. Gimme a break.

Patriots Postgame Show: “Now that’s what I call football!” Oh, Hardy. I’ve retold your alligator joke more times than you have. NBC cut to commercial following the Jets’ sixth punt of the night and played us out with “Sabotage” for some reason, I guess because whodat tight end Pharaoh Brown spells his name differently from Pharoah Sanders. “The Creator Has a Master Plan” is too on the nose anyway.

Week three was gotta-have-it for the Pats and, alright, they did it. Congratulations! Season XIV will not be winless. Week four in Dallas, then, becomes gotta-prove-it, as the Cowboys either snap out of it following a listless performance against the feisty Cardinals or—it’s a trap!—look ahead to an early nineties NFC Championship rematch against the 49ers. One can hope. I miss the days when we didn’t have to.

Up next: Ezekiel Elliott returns to Jerry World and remembers what a big TV really looks like. Cheers!