The game: Patriots at Broncos
The beer: Riverwalk Peppermint Mocha Porter
The result: Win, 26–23
The method: NFL+
The record: 4–11
The headline: “Shit a brick! Drive me crazy! Outta my mind!” – Pussy Galore, “Brick”

The commentary: The doink of all doinks—biblically loud to the point of absurdity, betraying either a microphone buried inside the tip of the goalpost or a parabolic one pointed right at it—was the highlight of the game. Not announcer Rich Eisen’s “Zappy holidays, everybody!” Not his “Many Zappe returns!” either. (Kevin Harlan and “Zappe new year!” are on notice this afternoon.) Not even Ryland’s own fifty-six-yard winner. Instead: Bbbrrrriccckkkkkk! It is is the alpha and omega of our doomed Patriots season.

Up next: With seconds to spare! Imagine if the Bills lose to this team again? Happy new year!