Jazzy, no! “If you could make your pet understand one thing, what would it be?”

The game: Texans at Patriots
The beer: Bissell Brothers Revival Milk Stout
The result: Win, 28–16
The playoffs: 2–0
The headline: “It’s all over and you’re gone.” – Claudine Longet, “Snow”

The commentary: Jazzy! Down! I can’t see the score! Jazzy! Jazzy! Get down! Stop chewing on the cables! Stop scratching the screen! That’s only Poirot’s moustache! Stop chewing on the corner of the television! Stop!

Similarly, tone-deaf Bills owner Terry Pegula seems also to have had no control over the rogue Sean McDermott, nor over an illiterate social media staff. Here’s Heed the Call’s Dan Hanzus rambling through some kind of explanation:

Dan: When you release a statement as a team [after firing your coach] and then the lede line of your statement was saying that “He did a [sic] admirable [pronounced “admire-able”] job? And then you even have a typo and it says “admirable”? Um, no… it was “admiral”?

Marc Sessler: “Admiral.”

Dan: “Admiral”! Can you botch it anymore?

I think you just did.

Dan: In fact, I take this as a sign that the Bills are gonna blow this whole thing based on that single typo, and I hope whoever got fired for that lands on their feet.

You stuck the landing, Dan—the Bills are fucked for another decade, all over and gone. Anyway, have some more podcast talk: Patriots Unfiltered, your turn, Broncos, go!

Fred Kirsch: I was listening to sports radio…

Run away!

Fred: …yesterday after the game, it was a national show, she said “You know, Jarrett Stidham was once the heir apparent to Tom Brady!”

Panel: [Laughs.]

Fred: Like, what? Are you kidding me?

Paul Perillo: He once backed up Brian Hoyer!

Later:

Fred: I wanna get a billboard in Buffalo… a big, bare ass with a Patriots logo on it cuz that’s what the Bills are gonna be looking at for the next ten years.

It’s (again) good to be a Patriots fan, and not only because late-January injury reports remain relevant while mock drafts do not. Mainly, the arrogance is what I missed.

Anyway, I’m lucky I got to watch the Texans game on an obscured—“Jazzy, please!”—TV instead of my NFL+’d phone after realizing only the night before that ESPN was in charge. Cord-cutting: alas! Free three-day Hulu/ESPN trial: rescued! Fortunately I chose the PAUSE LIVE TV option at checkout because, unfortunately, I mistimed my pizza order and had to start a bit late. Drag. As a result, a text from buddy Oskar caught me off guard:

Oskar: Holy shit. Glad we got the fumble back.

Excuse me? Fumble??

Jarrod: I’m way behind, gotta catch up.

Eventually:

Jarrod: Are you talking about the Kyle Williams kickoff return fumble?

Nope! In reference to Drake Maye’s first recovered fumble:

Oskar: Sorry, all is OK.

Nope! In reference to Maye’s first lost fumble:

Jarrod: I’m live now. Rats.

Later, reacting to Kayshon Boutte’s insane one-handed catch:

Oskar: Holy sheeeeeeeet.

RIP Clay Davis. RIP, too, Mike Florio’s general skills—he can pick the Broncos all he damn wants with that stank-ass 0–4 divisional-round record. Goodness gracious. I’d suggest he stick to deliberate fiction but that ass also stinks. Maybe he should try kissing up to some non-Pegula owner in an effort to pivot in-house:

Firing Jerod Mayo created “worst financial implications” for Robert Kraft

After the 2024 season, Patriots owner Robert [“Handy” Bob] Kraft fired coach Jerod Mayo, after only one year on the job. […] Kraft was influenced by the fact that it’s about more than the balance sheet. […] “I look at our family as custodians of a public asset.” Not enough owners view it that way.

“Thank you, Daddy. You sthaved Christhtmasth.” Elsewhere in “Handy” news:

Robert Kraft, owners to “push like the dickens” to change NFL schedule

[…] “I want to tell you guys that we’re going to push like the dickens now to make international sex trafficking games more important with us,” Kraft said.

Leave it to Kraft to expect someone to push his dickens around. Orchids of Denver Day Spa: you are warned.

Up next: “Stidham entered the game later than he should have and looked alright—looked like a routinely inactive third-stringer who’s run the scout team for a month.” Cheers!