The game: Saints at Patriots
The beer: Von Trapp Bohemian-Style Pilsner
The result: Loss, 34–0
The method: Live via CBS
The record: 1–4
The headline: “Where do we go? Where do we go? Where do we go from here?” – UFO, “Rock Bottom”

The commentary: Say what you will about Scott Zolak—I know I have—but the man’s as honest and borderline insightful as they come, even on the Patriots Rock Radio Network. I was diverted to the car for a bit of the second quarter and the sarcastic clappers were out in force following a rare, wasted first-down conversion. “Here come the Bronx cheers,” remarked Zolak. “We’re in a different era, guys.” When “Handy” Bob Kraft’s on-air talent is calling it like it is then you know that’s how it is.

Staying in the media, since my feelings about the head coach and his ability to do what’s best for the team are evident, let’s check in with one third of the inspiration behind the flagship Biff! Bang! Pow! and see how his fandom-turned-something-or-other career is going—surely it’s evolved beyond white guys talking about A Bronx Tale, right?

Bill Simmons suggests Bill Belichick could be one of the first NFL coaches fired this season

Suggests… could be… etc. As penance for the wishy-washiest of Awful Announcing headlines—or subjects—I’m going to edit the shit out of this.

[…] While the idea of a team firing a head coach who won six Super Bowls with the franchise may [seem] sacrilegious […] Belichick being on the hot seat now seems a little less crazy. So much so that while discussing the betting odds for the first NFL coach to be fired this season, diehard Boston sports fan Bill Simmons suggested [on his podcast] that Belichick’s name should be high on the list. “If you’re going first coach fired […] I can’t believe Belichick’s even in that conversation.”

I mean, it’s your own conversation. “I can’t believe I just got in my car and drove over here!” But sure, let’s feed the man’s media empire. Remember when broadcasters used to just call games and write columns and occasionally bite hookers in the privacy of their own homes? Now they’re getting fired from ESPN and yelling at ESPN and defending ESPN and spying on ESPN and cloning ESPN and, hey assholes, my fucking football team has lost four out of five games so far this year.

At least Simmons can form his own opinions, even if they’re three thousand miles away and marred by shaky wisdom and unsipped beer. It took NFL aggregator-at-large Mike “Buy My Book” Florio—whose Pro Football Talk does not have a search feature—until yesterday to recognize that…

In the past, [Belichick] was able to overcome his shortcomings in personnel acquisition. Now? Not.

Pithy as ever. And today? And today! He slots the team thirty-two out of thirty-two—up from nineteen after Labor Day—in his internationally recognized power rankings:

The knives are out for a chronic curmudgeon who can’t coach his way out of a growing list of mistakes.

Can’t coach his way out of a… list? Grocery list? Grocery… bag. I’m with you. Way to trust your sophisticated readership. Anyway, the knives are out, so it’s OK to unsheathe his own. Stab! Stab! Stab! Maybe source a non-Puzo typeface for the cover of your next mafia book and, you know, avoid the word “father.”

G., who gave up around the time Brady did, delivered the question only naive non-analysts can get away with: “Twenty-one to nothing? What is happening?” “Rock bottom,” I replied. “That’s what.”

With the arrival of ex-Scorpions lead guitarist Michael Schenker, [third studio album] Phenomenon saw UFO begin to leave their blues-based “space rock” sound behind and transition to a more straightforward hard rock sound. “The version [of ‘Rock Bottom’] that we recorded for Phenomenon had begun in rehearsals as a riff, and we kept adding more riffs to it.”

Riffs upon riffs! There’s that UFO 1 confidence.

Up next: Let’s see Malik Cunningham at quarterback—what’s he going to do, lose? Cheers!