The game: Patriots at Giants
The beer: Smuttynose Really Old Brown Dog Ale
The result: Loss, 10–7
The method: NFL+
The record: 2–9
The headline: “He doesn’t get paid overtime.” – Unwound, “The Light at the End of the Tunnel Is a Train”

The commentary: Pats–Giants was on the unstreamable (to me) Fox, so I met a friend at the 99 and got the fuck out of there after the first quarter because there’s only so much North Shore one can take when the good guys are flailing. I finished it in delayed fashion via NFL+ that evening, and the time remaining in the “broadcast” as Chad Ryland lined up was a plain giveaway that this wasn’t going to a fifth quarter—they’d miss it, they’d fake it, they’d turn it over… the number of potential scoring and non-scoring plays was infinite minus one. A converted Patriots field goal was not happening, as Unwound foretold in 1997. Nick Folk makes that kick. Drag.

“Time remaining” is one of two possible spoiler sources when watching an hours-old game. The second—itself occurring two hours or so after the fact, allowing for a buffer—is when your favorite podcast app downloads either one or two new episodes of Patriots Postgame Show. Two indicates that an in-show segment featuring a Patriot player calling from the winning locker room was spun off as its own four-minute “episode” for people who, I don’t know, only like to listen to players bullied into answering every question with one generic platitude or another. Winning locker room—not a lot of those this year. But when the team loses? But when the team loses! No call from the locker room, no special sub-episode, one download only.

Sneaky third spoiler: someone you know is watching calls with eighteen seconds on the clock in your supposed “live” Paramount+ stream—this happened to me a few weeks ago after during the comeback against the Bills. Never answer your phone, don’t even look at it, not ever. Also:

Don’t make a bad play worse, and that’s exactly what he did.

That’s color analyst Jonathan Vilma during a replay of Mac Jones’s interception toward the end of the second quarter. You’re goddamn right.

I think Mac’s days are done here. It just didn’t work out. We’ll see what happens tomorrow and who plays but it doesn’t really matter—Zappe, [Malik “Dope”] Cunningham, it can’t get worse on offense.

And that’s me to my dad this morning. Fuckin’ A.

Up next: JC Jackson revenge game? Cheers!