The game: Chargers at Patriots
The beer: Berkshire Lager
The result: Loss, 6–0
The method: NFL+
The record: 2–10
The headline: “Can we ever really know why, why the bad things come our way? Can we ever really know? Well, this is where we’re going, and this is where we’re heading. We’re hitting a new low.” – The Brian Jonestown Massacre, “A New Low in Getting High”

The commentary: You know you’re in trouble when prolific madman Anton A. Newcombe calls you out. There is no cure for Zappe Fever and though the offense might have looked a little better—or at least Zappe looked more capable of moving about the pocket—the result was zero points. Zero! Newcombe’s got you there, too, even in EP form. “New Kind of Sick”? Come on.

It’s hard to believe this is not necessarily rock bottom for your XIV New England Patriots. Just ask UFO in those quaint four-loss days. Anton sings “We’re hitting our new low” ten times in our title song—one for every loss, sure, but there are five weeks remaining, five weeks to plummet higher up the draft. Let’s just hope Belichick isn’t around to trade back down and stockpile late-round picks for a doomed future—talk about new lows. Enough.

Before exiting NFL+ for the evening I opened RedZone to see what real football might resemble. As the back-and-forth offerings whittled to the last game standing, host Scott Hanson took a break from ensnaring sexual predators to promote Thursday Night Football with snide references to the Steelers’ Mitch Trubisky and “the hurtin’ for certain” New England Patriots. Not very Christian of you, Scott! Are you another one of those frauds?

Up next: We should have ordered a new offense on Prime Day. Cheers!