The game: Patriots vs. Jaguars
The beer: Riverwalk One-Eyed Jack Pumpkin Ale
The result: Loss, 32–16
The record: 1–6
The headline: “Do you like the way it burns?” – Unwound, “Disappoint”

The commentary: So many questions! So much Unwound! So much disappointment!

The Future of What—released in April 1995 and recorded (according to the liner notes) in December 1995 “around Christmas time”—was itself a bit of a disappointment, not merely due to a second consecutive typo after the band appeared as “Uwound” on the New Plastic Ideas CD spine. Those errors are negated—har! har!—in spades with Justin Trosper’s willingness to highlight his giant zit (shown above) on the back of Future. The goddamn Republican nominee for the president of the fucking United States wouldn’t know it but humility can undo a good amount of carelessness—I’d recommend the asshole listen to 1996’s follow-up Repetition and 2001’s Leaves Turn Inside You (which similarly topped the underwhelming Challenge for a Civilized Society) but the band would just throw another cease-and-desist order on the pile. Kamala Harris: for the people. Donald Trump: for himself.

The Future of Maye? I’d listen to that! Careful with the last letter though, The Future of Mayo might not even survive the mastering process. I’m glad Belichick is gone—his poor drafting and roster management are what got into this mess in the first place, despite apologists ranting about all of his players being re-signed in the offseason if you ignore, you know, first- and second-day picks like:

• Mac Jones (QB)
• Ronnie Perkins (DE)
• Devin Asiasi (TE)
• Dalton Keene (TE)
• N’Keal Harry (WR)
• Joejuan Williams (CB)
• Chase Winovich (DE)
• Damien Harris (RB)
• Yodny Cajuste (OT)
• Isaiah Wynn (OT)
• Sony Michel (RB)
• Duke Dawson (CB)

Not to mention future discards from 2022:

• Cole Strange (OG)
• Tyquan Thornton (WR)

And that’s only going back to 2018! Remember Malcom Brown? Dominique Easley?? “Two torn ACLs… durability is the reason I thought he’d be a second-/third-round pick at best.” What the fuck, Bill.

However, he remained a good in-game coach to the end, or at least looked the part. Whenever the broadcast showed him between plays he’d be speaking into his headset, flipping through printouts/tablet screens, writing shit down—i.e., paying attention and reacting. But Mayo? But Mayo! He’s never doing anything but, perhaps, staring across the field, twenty rows up, wondering if some fan is an actual jaguar.

Meanwhile, Patriots Unfiltered’s Mike “Sexual” Dussault is still projecting “winnable games” and babbling like a rando fan off the street. Can Fred send him J-School for a few weeks? Fred, Paul, Evan and Tamara are the tight four we’re looking for. And boy, was it good having Hardy back for the pre- and postgame shows. All I ask from a podcast host, I suppose, are a journalism degree and a sense of humor.

The latter will come in handy the rest of the season as Maye and a cast of misfits inspire amusing text exchanges across New England. How else are we to deal with perfectly thrown passes bouncing off both of Ja’Lynn Polk’s hands? Absurd, repeated defensive letdowns against a one-win team? My company failing to fly me to the London office when the Pats were also in town? Hilarious! (Osees—more on them next week—are playing several UK shows in June and one can hope. It’s a sure way to die laughing.)

Winnable games? January 5 and the starter-resting Buffalo Bills can’t get here soon enough. Comedy equals tragedy plus time.

Winnable elections? November 9(ish) and a declared Harris victory can’t get here soon enough. See you at Oak & Iron.

Up next: “Aaron Rodgers in danger of ultimate humiliation as Robert Saleh seeks last laugh.” Cheers!