The game: Patriots at Ravens
The beer: Marshall Wharf Black Velvet Schwarzbier
The result: Win, 28–24
The record: 12–3
The headline: “Nobody couldn’t do nothin’ once he let the brick go.” – Madvillain, “All Caps”

The commentary: First, a public service announcement. Thee Mike Florio from Pro Football Self-Promotion is offering up his Big Shield for free today. I, plainly, will never read it and, therefore, I choose not to save 99¢ that I wouldn’t otherwise spend. Have at it, though, I’m sure it’s full of pathos and tension: “I’ve been infected with the spirit of Christmas. Or maybe I just had too much wine tonight. […] Many are saying it’s entertaining.” Compelling as ever, and if you think “many are saying” isn’t a MAGA dog whistle then you don’t live in Massachusetts.

Happy holidays to 2004 Creamy® recipients MF Doom (RIP, and apologies for sentence case) and Madlib for, hopefully, collecting insane royalties from whatever company used “All Caps” during several Sunday Night Football commercial airings—through the power and persuasiveness of advertising, I have no memory of what it was used to sell. Well done, though I suppose my focus and anxiety were elsewhere, especially once Drake Maye was allowed to pummel his teammates with bricks or whatever my extracted lyric is meant to signify. No Lamar Jackson for half the game? Measure the quality of the win all you want, Maye threw for three eighty and didn’t punch any fans. Help me root against the Broncos tonight—for all I know, I’m playing quarterback for the Chiefs.

(Related: I spent a drunken weekend in Kansas City (Missouri) a hundred years ago and colleagues dragged me to an after-hours… house?… with an open jazz session and “cash donation” payments for brews. Its location: Kansas City (Kansas). It’s all red-state bullshit so far as I’m concerned, but I think there is literally a river separating one Kansas City from another, and I can’t help wonder if this is the same thing “Handy” Bob Kraft tried to pull with moving the Patriots to Hartford. Regardless, replacing Arrowhead with a dome is just insane—why give up the weather advantage against warm-weather division-rival Raiders and Chargers? Had Buffalo… erm, Orchard Park… gone in this direction then I’d predict another Patriots dynasty on the spot.)

Christmas day is more than half over so I’d better get on with it. Two consecutive years of curse words in the playlist title? We must be eleven months into Donner’s second (!) term and, Yeah, This Bitch Gotta Go in whatever is the most humiliating fashion. Merry Christmas, scumbag.

1. Honeymoon Killers – Back Door Santa
Jerry Fucking Teel covering Clarence Carter on 1989’s We Three Bings: NY Trash Xmas compilation.

The Honeymoon Killers were an American noise rock band from New York City, formed in 1983. The group’s rotating line-ups would consist of members belonging to like-minded bands such as Pussy Galore, Boss Hog and the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion. The group disbanded in 1994, with its leader Jerry Teel forming the Chrome Cranks.

You think I’m not leading off with this?

2. Mr. Lif – Santa’s Got a Muthafuckin’ Uzi
This hot shit from 2006 isn’t on Spotify and they can get fucked. Download it from Bandcamp for a dollar because it is the greatest Christmas song even without the “Wu-Tang: 7th Chamber” sample. “‘Is he fuckin’ dead?’ What the fuck you mean, is he fuckin’ dead?”

Sucks when Saint Nick steals your shit instead of dropping off gifts. Hence the fact that me and my boys went to the North Pole to buss a cap in datazz. Unfortunately, when we arrived at Santa’s headquarters, he was strapped with major heat and had plenty of backup. Merry Christmas muthafuckaz! Don’t play with guns.

Special appearance (and production?) by Edan—happy Hanukkah, your humble magnificence!

3. Lou Rawls – Christmas Will Really Be Christmas
With a name like Hip Christmas…

With his deep voice, smooth as molasses on a summer day, Lou Rawls can tickle soulful tones out of the most pedestrian song. […] It comes as no surprise, then, that his three Christmas albums are models of consummate craft and impeccable taste. The first one, Merry Christmas Ho! Ho! Ho! (1967), is exceptional. […] With Rawls’s vocals striking just the right balance of swagger and sweetness, it qualifies as a minor Christmas classic—a little too smooth in places, but a classic all the same. […] It includes several songs written specifically for the project by JW Alexander, a former member of gospel group the Pilgrim Travelers and the man who discovered Sam Cooke. One of Alexander’s songs, “Christmas Will Really Be Christmas,” is a highlight of the record.

…I just might be a hipster. Goddammit.

4. Jimmy McGriff – Winter Wonderland

Spotify’s version of the album artwork for 1963’s Christmas With Jimmy McGriff looks like AI slop gone mad. What are we doing?

5. Six Finger Satellite – Deep Freeze
How’d this get in here? Spotify grays out everything from 2010’s reissue of 1994’s The Machine Cuisine Companion Cassette except for the lead-off “Untitled Instrumental”—welcome to the world of not owning shit, you idiots. “Deep Freeze” was cut from 1998’s celebrated Law of Ruins out of fear that it too closely resembled Black Sabbath’s “Children of the Grave.” (Yeah!) These things happen. (Alright!)

Up next: Listen, it’s going to be a tough road. But, man, the thing is, the Jets know exactly what they’re doing. They plan on going out there and playing their best and giving effort. They plan on going out there and winning the game also, alright? They do. Merry Christmas!