She earned comic sans with her lack of punctation and dreaded “r.” It’s practically a hate crime. What you don’t see in that photo or anywhere else—and not just because the defense wasn’t on the field—is Christian Gonzalez. The amount of coverage this story isn’t getting by local media terrified of losing access to… what, free PR about high-tech training facilities?… would be shocking if it weren’t already evident from recent after-the-fact controversies about NFL “reporters” not reporting things. Mike Reiss: your next White House press secretary? It’s not so ridiculous! This Guardian headline of the year could apply to just about anyone with a credential:

Will Trump’s next press secretary be a better liar than the first five?

Leave it to friggin Mike Florio to tell it like it is, regarding yet another Mike Vrabel brouhaha that turned out to be nothing, never mind!

Mike Vrabel explains his comments about lack of depth on roster

After New England’s week two preseason game, Patriots coach Mike Vrabel explained that he hasn’t been playing key starters in the preseason because “I do not think we have a very deep team.” […] Was it, Vrabel was asked, a shot at the front office?

“We are the front office,” Vrabel replied. “We are all making the decisions. We’re all included in this. It was about the young guys we have to develop.” […] So why is there an issue with depth?

“Well, I think that when you look at how you want to be constructed, we have to continue to draft very well,” Vrabel said. “We have to continue to develop those late-round picks.”

You don’t say!

I won’t give Belichick more heat than I already have—boy, is he going through it right now—because Boutte should still be on the team. But what an argument against granting total roster control to future second-ballot Hall of Fame coaching geniuses.

Jesus Christ, Jerod, way to back into an MVP quarterback that my cat could have drafted. It’s a goddamn miracle we didn’t turn into the Jets under his watch. OK, I haven’t forgotten about Florio’s story, here we go:

Vrabel & Co. “hit” on seventeen out of twenty picks the last two offseasons, which sounds remarkable compared to what the two previous guys accomplished. But look closer:

• Campbell will maybe stick at left tackle, if…
• …he isn’t replaced by Lomu, another first-round left tackle.
• Fantasy football players love borderline-starter Henderson, and I like him too, but he’s mostly potential at this point.
• Williams is all potential at this point. He has shown nothing except an ability to run fast in a straight line and catch perfectly thrown balls.
• Wilson is being moved to his “natural position” at center, which is good for him because I doubt he could start at left guard again.
• Woodson beat out two veterans (Kyle Dugger and Jabrill Peppers), started all season and was probably a top-five defender on the team. More of that kind of development, Mike!
• Depth, depth, depth, depth, depth, depth, depth, depth.
• I’m not going through the full list. I’m not! It’s all backups, special teamers and unreliable kickers. Jacas and especially Raridon could be major contributors come December but we’re not there yet.

OK, say you successfully develop any of the above players (or undrafted free agents, a whole other category that makes me question why any of those who make the team weren’t targeted in the later rounds) to the point that they outplay their rookie deals and earn lucrative contract extensions? Back to Florio, who spells it out nicely even though his last “sentence” isn’t a sentence:

At a deeper level, Vrabel’s sensitivity to the issue of depth could be a hint at the push-and-pull that’s currently happening in the negotiations with cornerback Christian Gonzalez. […] Given that MVP runner-up Drake Maye is a season away from his second deal, it’s a point about which the Patriots are likely currently obsessing. Between giving a massive contract to Gonzalez and, next year, to Maye, they’ll need to rely even more heavily on understudies who are being paid under the much cheaper slotted rookie deal.

Unless they can persuade Gonzalez and Maye to not insist on breaking the bank and, in turn, handcuffing the ability of the team to have a complement of backups that include veterans who can be lured to New England for a little more money than they’d get elsewhere.

This reeks of Deion Branch in 2006—who is the cornerback equivalent of Reche Caldwell? The Chiefs, Rams, Bills, Seahawks, etc. work around the salary cap year after year to pay multiple players what they deserve… and we’re stuck with a “Handy” cheapskate? Just pay the motherfucker!

Enough shitting on the defending AFC champions. Elsewhere in the division, in what promises to remain a season-long feature even after the Bills and comeuppance beat us 48–6 in week four, I present This Week’s Sign the Buffalo Bills Are Fucking Toast! In seven parts! And you thought it couldn’t get worse than the star quarterback, possibly the best player in the league, begging fans to stop criticizing a set of alternate uniforms they’ll wear once. “C’mon, guys, knock it off.” Lots to catch up on here:

Bills to address “internal and external feedback” on new stadium

Architect says obstructed views at Bills stadium weren’t an oversight or a design flaw

“The field is ass right now”: New Highmark Stadium’s grass has rough start

“C’mon, guys. The sightlines are fine, OK? Obstructed views are, like, super common. And the grass too, the grass isn’t… it isn’t ‘ass.’ What does that even mean?”

Report: Keon Coleman suffered sprained foot/toe in preseason game

“C’mon, guys, it’s hard to draft and develop wide receivers.” (This is me saying this.)

Josh Allen’s got jokes—some too mischievous to tell

Josh Allen is known for many things. Developing into one of the NFL’s star quarterbacks, including earning the 2024 MVP award. Leading the Buffalo Bills to the postseason for the past seven consecutive seasons. Becoming a husband and a father by age thirty. Another thing Allen is known for? Being a jokester.

Dafuq?

Many of the stories and wisecracks are considered unshareable. The content isn’t fit for all audiences.

Suitable, though, for the obscure ESPN. What a pointless effort—I guess Alaina Getzenberg maxed out the stadium angle. Har! Har!

Sean McDermott sees the Bills getting to the Super Bowl in 2026

“I think, if you’re betting on the Super Bowl contender, they’re certainly one of them. I don’t see why, you know, why you wouldn’t bet on them?”

You’re asking me? Sean, the feature is called This Week’s Sign the Buffalo Bills Are Fucking Toast!

“Because the games, at the end of the day, have to be played, right?”

Sean, this isn’t how you get another job.

Jordan Rodgers: “Josh Allen has done enough to win a Super Bowl”

What’s with the he’s-just-a-regular-guy/it’s-not-his-fault-they’re-not-better media blitz? Did Allen burn down several schools or something? Fucking toast.

Whatever. The team that’s actually made it to the Super Bowl in the post-Brady era is kicking things off on goddamn national television Wednesday night. See the Bills… Sunday at one? Cute.

Up next: Even Fred Kirsch is calling it a rematch. Cheers!