Week one
The game: Eagles at Patriots
The beer: Cambridge Amber Ale
The result: Loss, 25–20
The method: Live via Paramount+
The record: 0–1
The headline: “You want the same thing every day, I’ll teach you love a different way.” – Kiss, “Sweet Pain”

The commentary: So much hostility! Deservedly so, sure, but there’s “fire Belichick” and there’s “FIIIRE BELI-HACK!!!” Last weekend’s coaching performance did him no favors in terms of game management but, overall, the Pats (eventually) seemed ready to play. It was a loss—“moral wins” are for losers—but I felt better at the end of the game than I did at the end of the first quarter. Maybe this defense is for real. Maybe Mac shows signs of progress. Maybe the Eagles stink.

Maybe, if this is as good as it gets, Belichick should write his resignation on a premium paper towel because “Handy” Bob Kraft could always use one. (Gross.)

Pluses
The offense kind of looked like an NFL offense.
Kendrick “Toy Store” Bourne is back!
Christian Gonzalez and Keion White might save GM Bill’s job. (Sneaky minus?)

Minuses
Scoring twenty points won’t cut it this season.
Giving up twenty-five will cut it… for the opponent… every time… going on four years now.
Kayshon Boutte makes great college catches.

Incomplete
Patriots.com’s stream of Tom Brady’s halftime featurette was a buffering bust (sorry, Fred) and I haven’t tracked it down yet. Did he say he’s starting tonight? That would be cool.
Blogger emailed me about registering domains or something, which tells me its days are numbered. The process of updating legacy Biff! Bang! Pow! Vol. 1 links here on Vol. 2 is an ongoing pain in the ass.
Have I got it in me to visit downtown Boston on a Wednesday night to see the Osees for a third time? Old age is a bastard.

Overall I’m encouraged. They’re not quite a playoff team in so tough a conference, despite opening-week struggles from leading teams (Chiefs, Bengals, Bills) and the loss of potentially franchise-altering quarterbacks to injury (Jets)—it looks like superstar asshole Aaron Rodgers will keep one more Super Bowl title than Joel Klatt for at least another seventeen months. Too bad. Anyway, the good guys could make it to eight wins if they keep playing the way they did for the final two-thirds of the Eagles game. That’s up from the six (at the most) I projected beforehand. Great?

This year’s diary title, secured in a frantic Google search for “rock lyrics diary,” lands on a fifteen-year-old auction for a “Gene Simmons diary with handwritten lyrics.” THIS LOT IS CLOSED FOR BIDDING. It’s humanity’s loss: three photos of inside spreads don’t make a strong case for worth beyond, say, five Kiss Buxx®, as various taped scraps of paper list brainstormed song titles and lyric fragments. Come on.

“It’s Not Easy Bein’ Pretty,” though, is one of the keepers alongside:

The Man You Love to Hate

Shit for Brains

Circumsized

And the Vultures Circle Overhead

Blow It Out Your Ass

Instant Gratification

Nervously Pull at My Beard

Lines on the Mirror, Lines Up Your Nose

Don’t rule out “Beer and football XV: And the vultures circle overhead” next year. Shudder.

Up next: Tua Tagovailoa looks to extend his unbeaten streak against the esteemed gentleman wearing a magenta sweatshirt. Cheers!