The beer: Back East Porter
The regular season: 14–3, AFC East champions
The playoffs: 3–1, AFC champions
The headline: “I was mad and laughed at the same time.” – The Fall, “The NWRA”

The commentary: I kind of addressed everything last time, didn’t I? I guess the idea of the “aftermatch” post, as originally intended two years ago, was to recognize an expected (and still shocking) FIRE BELICHICK sendoff and, you know, anticipate the inevitable FIRE MAYO. Then last year it was malaise over “Handy” Bob Kraft bringing the band back together, especially regarding eventual Super Bowl goat (not GOAT) fucking Josh McDaniels—when you’re right you’re right, but even I didn’t expect a total lack of halftime improvement. “One step forward and two back from where you came.” Gimme a break.

This time? A no-show Super Bowl effort is still a silver medal, and the only things to really lament this offseaon are:

• Defensive role-player turnover (K’Lavon Chaisson, Jaylinn Hawkins, Jahlani Tavi)
• WR1 departure (Stephon Diggs and his criminal charges)
• Christian Barmore’s “dropped” criminal charges (not fishy at all!)

Nice additions:

• Safety Kevin Byard (III)
• Romeo Doubbs as replacement WR1 (until AJ Brown arrives via trade on June 1, amiright?)
• “The Jets see the Chargers’ tackle and raise them guard Alijah Vera-Tucker as Paul McCartney’s legacy-ruining ‘Jet’ blares”

Speaking of the Jets, let’s bring back the Guardian’s Oliver “Ollie” Connolly for a last XVI go-round:

What a mess. Beyond saving Aaron Glenn’s job, what is the Jets’ plan, exactly?

Here is a smattering of the Jets’ early work:

• [Several examples of Jets nonsense]

The Jets spent money and draft picks revamping their moribund defense. Yet incredibly, they made the unit older and slower. […] Effectively, Glenn is building a grandpa version of Dennis Allen’s old Saints defense. […] Oh, and there is still no plan at quarterback, save for the potential fumes of Geno Smith, (wince) Carson Wentz or reaching for a quarterback in the first round of the draft. Woof.

Grotesque. But nobody’s perfect:

The flawed Patriots face a harsh truth: only the very best teams get a Super Bowl sequel

Successful reruns are rare in the NFL. And New England showed enough holes on Sunday to suggest making it back to the big dance soon will be tough.

No need to read the whole thing, Jasper. It’s a damn month old and, you know, should have been the basis of my Super Bowl recap. Drag. Was I (the American definition of) mad over losing? Yes. Still, was it tempting to laugh, given the path from consecutive four-win seasons to conference champion at the expense of the godforsaken Buffalo Bills? And how! The north had rose again but it would turn out wrong… this time. Bright future, ahead of schedule and so forth: long live Mark E. Smith and your New England Patriots.

Up next: Another draft diary? In this economy? With this war footing? Cheers!